Sports
49ers Press Conference Doubles As Unsolicited Hinge Profile For Mac Jones
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, Kyle Juszczyk, fullback for the San Francisco 49ers, was given a microphone this week and made a decision that no publicist, teammate, or basic social contract would have endorsed.
He told reporters that Mac Jones is a ladies man. His evidence: the DMs.
Juszczyk did not elaborate on the volume, the content, or the success rate of these messages. He simply nodded the way a man nods when he has seen things he cannot unsee, said "ladies man," and let it sit there in front of the cameras like a fumble nobody wanted to pick up.
Jones, for his part, was not at the podium. This is believed to be the only intelligent decision made by anyone involved.
The 49ers organization declined to comment, which in NFL communications language means everyone in the building has already seen the clip and is waiting to see if it goes away on its own.
It will not go away on its own.
For context: Juszczyk plays fullback, a position that exists in the NFL the way a study exists in a studio apartment, technically present, rarely used, occasionally surprising. When a fullback gets a microphone, the expectation is that he will say something about blocking assignments or team chemistry or his personal relationship with effort. Nobody prepares for the alternative.
"He's a ladies man," Juszczyk told reporters, with the calm of a man who has absolutely no idea what he has just done to another human being's life.
Sports analysts have spent years evaluating Mac Jones's ability to read defenses. His ability to read whether his fullback is about to describe his private correspondence to the national media was apparently not tested at the combine.
Jones's representation has not issued a statement. His DM inbox is believed to have experienced significant volume since Thursday. His fullback has not apologized, possibly because he does not yet understand that an apology is the correct response to this situation.
When reached for clarification, Juszczyk told one reporter that he meant it as a compliment.
This is the part where it gets worse.
Meanwhile, every quarterback in the NFC West is now thanking whatever arrangement of luck and social skills ensured that their fullback does not know their phone password.
Mac Jones is fine. He is a grown man and a professional athlete and he will survive this completely. He is also going to be introduced at every away stadium this season as a ladies man, in the DMs, as confirmed by number forty-four, and that is just how it is now.
The story we are making fun of: https://nypost.com/2026/09/23/sports/49ers-mac-jones-ladies-man-teammate-wild-dm-confession/