BSN Network
Big Story News Network. Satirical news on politics, culture and the generally absurd, published daily from the United States. Every story is invented for comic effect; none of it is real reporting, and each piece either links to the real article it is making fun of or says at the end that it is satire.
Latest articles
- Conservative Lawmaker Suggests Mass Shootings Are Caused by Video Games and Doors Absurdity
Rep. Dale Chumley of Georgia told the House Judiciary Committee on Wednesday that America's gun violence crisis could be traced to two root causes: the widespread availability of first-person...
- Conservative Group Claims Common-Sense Gun Laws Threaten Tyranny Absurdity
The American Liberty Firearms Coalition released a 94-page report Tuesday concluding that waiting periods, background checks, and safe storage requirements are, taken together, 'functionally...
- CEO Earns 4,000 Times Average Worker, Complains About Hardships of Management Absurdity
Hargrove Industries CEO Dale Hargrove, whose total 2024 compensation package came to $312 million, told shareholders Thursday that the loneliness and cognitive burden of executive leadership had...
- Cable Company Mandates 8-Hour Window for Technician to Show Up and Leave Absurdity
Tri-State Cable Solutions announced this week that customers requesting a service visit must remain available from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., a window the company describes in its scheduling portal as "a...
- Billionaire Explains $100M Yacht Is Actually Creating Jobs for Yacht Cleaners Absurdity
Dallas-based billionaire Harlan Bryce held a press conference Thursday to announce that his newly delivered 280-foot superyacht, the Meridian Principle, is not a luxury purchase but a targeted...
- Billionaire Buys Third Island, Reminds Public We are 'All in This Together' Absurdity
Venture capital billionaire Preston Hale announced Tuesday that he has completed the purchase of his third private island, a 340-acre landmass in the Aegean Sea acquired so that his second island...
- Trump thinks Universal Healthcare Is Evil Because Poor People Might Get It Absurdity
President Trump emerged from a two-hour meeting with senior health advisors Tuesday to announce his formal opposition to universal healthcare, citing what he called a 'very serious, very unfair...
- Trump Bans Wind Turbines, Citing Danger of Creating Too Much Fresh Air Absurdity
President Trump signed an executive order Wednesday banning all wind turbines on American soil, warning that the devices have been generating dangerously elevated oxygen levels in communities that...
- State Bans OB-GYNs from Practicing Medicine Without a Senator Present Absurdity
A new state law requires at least one sitting state senator to be physically present in the examination room before an OB-GYN may perform any clinical procedure, including but not limited to...
- Right-Wing Think Tank Finds Voting Rights Act 'Too Effective' at Protecting Voting Rights Absurdity
The American Heritage Policy Center released a 200-page report Thursday concluding that the Voting Rights Act has, over six decades, become alarmingly good at the one thing it was designed to do....
- Republican Think Tank Discovers Renewable Energy Works, Declares It Un-American Absurdity
The Hargrove Institute for American Prosperity released a 200-page energy study Thursday confirming that solar and wind power are, by every measurable standard, highly effective, which the...
- Republican Pundit Warns High Youth Turnout Threatens Traditional Boomer Supremacy Absurdity
Conservative commentator Dale Hutchins issued an urgent warning Tuesday that surging youth voter participation poses a direct and possibly irreversible threat to what he called "the natural...
- Red State Regulates Uteruses More Strictly Than Semi-Automatic Weapons Absurdity
The Tennessee legislature passed the Reproductive Organ Safety and Accountability Act this week, classifying the uterus as a quote "high-capacity biological system" requiring biannual state...
- Red State Passes Law Classifying Contraception as Weapons of Mass Disruption Absurdity
Governor Dale Hutchins of the great state of Tennesota signed HB 1147 into law Thursday morning, officially reclassifying hormonal contraceptives, intrauterine devices, and emergency contraception...
- Red State Outlaws Birth Control, Recommends 'Strong Moral Resolve' Instead Absurdity
The Tennessee legislature voted this week to ban the sale and distribution of all contraceptive medications and devices, replacing the state's family planning infrastructure with a two-page...
- One of These Attorneys Was Made in America and the Fake Version Was Made in China. Can You Tell the Difference? Politics
Two attorneys, one photo, one question. Counterfeit experts say the difference is always in the paperwork, and only one of them came with any.
- Katie Zacharia Fired Five Days Into Her New/Old Role as White House Press Secretary Politics
Named on October 9, at the podium on October 13 for 14 minutes and three questions, and out by Friday. The White House calls it transitioning out.
- Trump Announces Changes That Allow Him to Run in 2028, at the Los Angeles Paralympic Games Politics
After months searching the Constitution for a loophole, the president's team realized the word run has more than one meaning. Paralympic officials say qualification still applies.
- Americans Are Making a Few Million Monthly on a Simple Trade That Trump Will Say Something Stupid. Free Money. Politics
Prediction market regulars say the most reliable bet in the country pays out several times a week, has never once lost, and requires no research beyond owning a television.
- Teacher Serving 20 Years Is Now Represented by Her Former Students, Who Want Her Out Culture
Three former pupils have returned to their old teacher's life with law degrees, matching briefcases and a motion to reopen, and the prison visiting room does not know where to look.
- Trump Promises to Leave Office Early If Republicans Lose, Saying He Doesn't Want to Govern Stupid People Politics
The president told a rally crowd he would step down ahead of schedule if voters hand Democrats the midterms, explaining that he had not signed up to run a country that could make a decision like that.
- Trump Has Appointed Another Ambassador From the F.U.F Group. Her Name Is Barbera Botox Thornhill. Politics
The White House has named a fresh envoy from the F.U.F group, the diplomatic caucus whose members share a single qualification. Officials describe her as "extremely ready" for the role, and her...
- Trump Has Signed an Executive Order to Remove the Rainbow From America's Atmosphere Because It Looks Too Gay Politics
Executive Order 14991 directs Interior and NOAA to identify, catalogue and eliminate the rainbow over the continental United States by 1 January. NOAA has advised that the phenomenon is not an...
- Republicans Finally Believe in Climate Change After Polls Show Large Portions of ICE Apparently Melting Down Politics
Congressional Republicans reversed their position on climate change on Monday after a closed-door briefing showed large portions of ICE melting down during the midterm projections. The caucus has...
- Pro-Life Lawmakers Vote to Cut School Lunch Funding for Already Born Children Absurdity
The House Pro-Life Caucus passed the Protecting Life at Every Stage Act this week, which eliminates federal funding for the National School Lunch Program on the grounds that the children it serves...
- Oil Company Wins Environmental Award Created and Funded by Oil Company Absurdity
Meridian Energy Solutions took home the Golden Watershed Award for Environmental Excellence on Thursday, beating out four other nominees it had also selected. The $50,000 cash prize, which...
- JD Vance Media Warns Paid Sick Leave Will Make Workers Too Well-Rested Absurdity
A new op-ed published by the Vance-affiliated American Hearth Media Network is raising alarms about a proposed federal paid sick leave mandate, warning that employees who are allowed to fully...
- GOP Strategist Warns Allowing College Students to Vote Could Lead to Educated Opinions Absurdity
A Republican strategist has circulated a formal memo warning party leadership that unrestricted college student voting poses a "systemic risk" to electoral outcomes, citing recent data showing...
- GOP Healthcare Plan Unveiled: 'Don't Get Sick, or If You Do, Die Quickly' Absurdity
House Republicans on Thursday introduced what leadership described as a 'streamlined, patient-first healthcare framework' that condenses the American medical system into a single actionable...
- GOP Health Committee Suggests Praying Away Pre-Existing Conditions Absurdity
The House Health Subcommittee on Coverage Alternatives released a fourteen-page guidance document Thursday recommending that Americans with pre-existing conditions consider "sustained, sincere...
- GOP Declares Early Voting Unfair Because It Gives People Time to Think Absurdity
The Republican National Committee filed a formal brief Tuesday arguing that multi-day early voting periods create an unconstitutional advantage for voters who, given sufficient time, tend to...
- Fossil Fuel Lobbyist Explains Clean Air Cuts into Corporate Profit Margins Absurdity
A registered fossil fuel lobbyist told a Senate subcommittee Wednesday that clean air, while pleasant in concept, represents one of the most persistent uncompensated costs facing the American...
- Conservatives Panic After Discovering High Voter Turnout Directly Correlates with Democracy Absurdity
A bombshell internal analysis circulating among Republican strategists has confirmed what many in the party had long feared: the more people who vote, the more democratic an election becomes. The...
- After changing AI to SI, Trump is also changing gerrymandering to gerryenglish because this is America not China. Absurdity
The White House announced Tuesday that the term 'gerrymandering' will be retired from all federal redistricting documents following a linguistic review that determined the word contains what...
- Americans can make millions on prediction markets this fall simply by predicting that JD Vance will say some dumb shit. Absurdity
Financial analysts confirmed this week that the single most reliable bet available on any U.S. prediction market is not a currency play, not an interest rate call, and not an election outcome. It...
- When asked about child labor in China making his shoes Absurdity
Billionaire lifestyle brand founder Chet Dalton held a forty-minute press availability on Tuesday to announce his spring collection, during which a reporter asked him to address allegations that...
- Eminem Wrote A Song About Murdering Kim Then Married Her Twice Culture
Marshall Mathers, the man who released an eight-minute track called "Kim" in which he fantasised in considerable audio detail about killing his wife, has married that same wife twice. VICE has...
- Trumps approval rate has hit an all time low but still hasn't been able to reach his moral standards as yet. Absurdity
A new Gallup survey places the president's approval rating at a historic low, prompting the White House to release a statement clarifying that the number, while disappointing, remains well above...
- Trump cancels plans to visit Barbados amid allergy concerns. Absurdity
President Trump has withdrawn from a planned state visit to Barbados after White House physicians cited unspecified allergy concerns, making him the first sitting president in modern history to be...
- Trump assures Americans the El Nino will have no effect. Absurdity
President Trump held an unscheduled press briefing Tuesday to reassure a largely unbothered American public that the El Nino weather pattern currently forming over the Pacific Ocean would have, in...