Sports
College Football Coach Still Has His Job But His Parking Spot Has Been Reassigned
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
It is Week 4 of the college football season, which means roughly 25 percent of the schedule has been played and roughly 100 percent of the patience has been used up. A widely circulated pressure index has identified six specific football men, three head coaches, two quarterbacks, and one offensive coordinator, who are currently described as "under the gun." The gun is loaded. Nobody is blinking.
Let's start with the coordinators, because the offensive coordinator on this list has had the most humiliating fall from grace since a man who designs plays for a living has somehow run out of plays. We are four weeks in. The offense has not scored from inside the red zone with any consistency that would satisfy a high school booster, let alone a program paying this man to think creatively about football. He is calling runs up the middle in 2024 like it is a punishment.
The quarterbacks on this list, and there are two of them, are in the unique position of being blamed for everything while also being described by their coaches as "showing real progress." Real progress. That phrase. Coaches say "real progress" the same way a mechanic says "it's not as bad as it looks" right before he hands you a number with four digits in it. These two quarterbacks have combined for enough three-and-outs to make a reasonable person question whether the forward pass was worth inventing.
Now the coaches. Three head coaches. In Week 4. The most dangerous place in American sports is standing on a sideline in October with a losing record and a fan base that has already started a petition. These three men are not in danger of losing their jobs today. They are in danger of losing their jobs in approximately eleven days, which in college football time is the same thing as today.
Deion Sanders, who is not on this list and is therefore thriving by comparison, was reached for comment on the general subject of coaching pressure. "I don't feel pressure," he said. "Pressure is for people who aren't built for this. I was built for this. I was built for every version of this." He then adjusted his hat. He was not asked a follow-up question.
The athletic directors involved have said nothing publicly, which is the loudest thing an athletic director can do. When an AD goes quiet, the coach's buyout clause has already been looked up by three different people in two different buildings. One source, speaking on condition that nobody knows they exist, described the internal atmosphere at one unnamed program as "a faculty meeting where everyone already knows which professor is getting the fellowship pulled."
The quarterbacks, for their part, have been told to watch more film. They are watching film. The film is not helping, because the film is just footage of the same plays not working and the same defensive end arriving unblocked from the same side he arrived from last week. The film room has a whiteboard. The whiteboard has an arrow on it. The arrow points in the wrong direction.
The offensive coordinator has reportedly expanded his playbook by eleven pages. Ten of those pages are variations of the same screen pass. The eleventh page is a motivational quote he printed off the internet, attributed to no one in particular.
Week 5 kicks off in six days. The parking spots have not been officially reassigned. Yet.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/college-football-pressure-index-week-4-coaches-qbs-coordinator/