Sports
Columnist Publishes Expert Breakdown Of Game Where Both Teams Share A Bus Driver
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
Connecticut high school football's Week 3 is here, and Sean Patrick Bowley has published his Audibles column, which is what he calls his weekly preview of games involving teenagers who are not yet legally allowed to rent a car.
Audibles. The man named his column Audibles. He looked at a spreadsheet of junior varsity schedules in the Naugatuck Valley League and said: this calls for a brand.
For the uninitiated, SPB is Connecticut's foremost authority on a sport being played in front of crowds you could individually thank in a card. His Audibles column goes out every week with the measured confidence of a man who has watched six hours of game film that was shot on a Samsung Galaxy propped against a Gatorade cooler.
"There are some really intriguing matchups this week," Bowley said, in the kind of sentence that has been true every week since 1987 and will be true every week until the sun expands and swallows the earth. "You have to respect what these programs are building."
What they are building, in several cases, is a roster. Two programs in the Fairfield County area are reportedly sharing transportation this season due to a scheduling conflict that also involves a marching band and a man named Gerald who does not fully understand his role.
None of this has slowed SPB down. His Week 3 breakdown runs to fourteen games, includes a section on teams to watch, and references film that almost certainly does not exist in any format a human being outside the coaching staff has ever viewed. He lists probable starters with the authority of a man who has access to a depth chart and the confidence of a man who does not.
Asked to comment on the column's scope and ambition, offensive coordinator and part-time driver's education instructor Dave Frenette said: "We appreciate the coverage. Our guys work hard. I also teach third period."
The Audibles column is, objectively, the most thorough document produced about most of these programs in their entire institutional history. Some of these towns have not had a newspaper story written about them since a ribbon-cutting in 2003. SPB is closing that gap one Week 3 preview at a time, with a section on special teams.
Connecticut parents, meanwhile, will print the column out and bring it to the game in a laminated sleeve. They will reference it on the sideline. They will find one statistic SPB got wrong and they will never stop being angry about it.
Week 3 kicks off Friday. SPB will be ready. The teams will do their best.
Gerald has still not confirmed the bus.
The story we are making fun of: https://sports.yahoo.com/articles/guide-connecticut-high-school-footballs-101500371.html