Absurdity
Conservative Group Claims Common-Sense Gun Laws Threaten Tyranny
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The American Liberty Firearms Coalition held a press conference Monday to announce the findings of its landmark study, 'Creeping Chains: How Reasonable-Sounding Policies Pave the Road to Absolute Despotism,' warning that any gun legislation widely described as common sense is, by definition, the first domino in the fall of the American republic.
The report, which runs 94 pages and includes a foreword by a man identified only as Colonel Skip (Ret.), identifies three specific policies as existential threats to human freedom: background checks, waiting periods, and the suggestion that guns be stored somewhere a toddler cannot reach them.
'Once a government knows how long it takes you to buy something, it owns you,' said Coalition President Brad Harwick at the podium, pausing to let that land. Nobody clapped. He nodded anyway.
Harwick told reporters the Coalition had retained a panel of constitutional historians to review the legislation, then clarified that the historians were 'more of a reading group' that meets on alternating Thursdays at a Cracker Barrel in Fredericksburg, Virginia. The group's conclusion, delivered in a four-page memo written on a legal pad, was that the Founders would have 'lost their minds' at the current situation.
The report draws on an analytical framework the Coalition calls the Tyranny Continuum, a sliding scale running from 'Free' on the left to 'Full Collapse' on the right, with common-sense gun legislation placed just past the halfway point, between 'Mandatory Propaganda Curriculum' and 'No More Elections.' When asked how the scale was calibrated, Harwick said it was 'intuitive.'
The Coalition's legal director, a man named Garth who asked that his last name not be used because of 'ongoing professional situations,' argued that the government requiring gun owners to store firearms safely was an act of psychological domination. 'The moment the state tells you where to put something in your own home,' Garth said, 'you are already living in the regime. You are just too comfortable to notice.'
Garth also noted that his own homeowners association prohibits him from painting his shutters any color other than Colonial Slate, which is a different issue, but one he feels is related.
The report stops short of specifying what level of gun regulation would be acceptable, noting only that whatever currently exists is already too much, and whatever is proposed next will be worse. A chart on page 61 projects that by 2031, a routine background check will take 'four to six business days,' which the Coalition describes as 'effectively Stalinism.'
Several members of Congress praised the report without having read it, which the Coalition also praised, calling it 'a sign of intellectual alignment.'
Harwick closed the press conference by reminding reporters that the Founders had specifically designed the Second Amendment to protect citizens from a tyrannical government, then boarded a private shuttle operated by a government contractor to return to his government-subsidized office building, where he is protected around the clock by armed government employees.
The Coalition's next report, due in the fall, will examine whether requiring hunters to wear blaze orange vests during deer season constitutes a form of state-mandated visibility that infringes on the natural right to camouflage.
Garth is already worried.
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