Absurdity
Absurdity articles from BSN Network. Satirical news, published daily.
- Conservative Lawmaker Suggests Mass Shootings Are Caused by Video Games and Doors
Rep. Dale Chumley of Georgia told the House Judiciary Committee on Wednesday that America's gun violence crisis could be traced to two root causes: the widespread availability of first-person...
- Conservative Group Claims Common-Sense Gun Laws Threaten Tyranny
The American Liberty Firearms Coalition released a 94-page report Tuesday concluding that waiting periods, background checks, and safe storage requirements are, taken together, 'functionally...
- CEO Earns 4,000 Times Average Worker, Complains About Hardships of Management
Hargrove Industries CEO Dale Hargrove, whose total 2024 compensation package came to $312 million, told shareholders Thursday that the loneliness and cognitive burden of executive leadership had...
- Cable Company Mandates 8-Hour Window for Technician to Show Up and Leave
Tri-State Cable Solutions announced this week that customers requesting a service visit must remain available from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., a window the company describes in its scheduling portal as "a...
- Billionaire Explains $100M Yacht Is Actually Creating Jobs for Yacht Cleaners
Dallas-based billionaire Harlan Bryce held a press conference Thursday to announce that his newly delivered 280-foot superyacht, the Meridian Principle, is not a luxury purchase but a targeted...
- Billionaire Buys Third Island, Reminds Public We are 'All in This Together'
Venture capital billionaire Preston Hale announced Tuesday that he has completed the purchase of his third private island, a 340-acre landmass in the Aegean Sea acquired so that his second island...
- Trump thinks Universal Healthcare Is Evil Because Poor People Might Get It
President Trump emerged from a two-hour meeting with senior health advisors Tuesday to announce his formal opposition to universal healthcare, citing what he called a 'very serious, very unfair...
- Trump Bans Wind Turbines, Citing Danger of Creating Too Much Fresh Air
President Trump signed an executive order Wednesday banning all wind turbines on American soil, warning that the devices have been generating dangerously elevated oxygen levels in communities that...
- State Bans OB-GYNs from Practicing Medicine Without a Senator Present
A new state law requires at least one sitting state senator to be physically present in the examination room before an OB-GYN may perform any clinical procedure, including but not limited to...
- Right-Wing Think Tank Finds Voting Rights Act 'Too Effective' at Protecting Voting Rights
The American Heritage Policy Center released a 200-page report Thursday concluding that the Voting Rights Act has, over six decades, become alarmingly good at the one thing it was designed to do....
- Republican Think Tank Discovers Renewable Energy Works, Declares It Un-American
The Hargrove Institute for American Prosperity released a 200-page energy study Thursday confirming that solar and wind power are, by every measurable standard, highly effective, which the...
- Republican Pundit Warns High Youth Turnout Threatens Traditional Boomer Supremacy
Conservative commentator Dale Hutchins issued an urgent warning Tuesday that surging youth voter participation poses a direct and possibly irreversible threat to what he called "the natural...
- Red State Regulates Uteruses More Strictly Than Semi-Automatic Weapons
The Tennessee legislature passed the Reproductive Organ Safety and Accountability Act this week, classifying the uterus as a quote "high-capacity biological system" requiring biannual state...
- Red State Passes Law Classifying Contraception as Weapons of Mass Disruption
Governor Dale Hutchins of the great state of Tennesota signed HB 1147 into law Thursday morning, officially reclassifying hormonal contraceptives, intrauterine devices, and emergency contraception...
- Red State Outlaws Birth Control, Recommends 'Strong Moral Resolve' Instead
The Tennessee legislature voted this week to ban the sale and distribution of all contraceptive medications and devices, replacing the state's family planning infrastructure with a two-page...
- Pro-Life Lawmakers Vote to Cut School Lunch Funding for Already Born Children
The House Pro-Life Caucus passed the Protecting Life at Every Stage Act this week, which eliminates federal funding for the National School Lunch Program on the grounds that the children it serves...
- Oil Company Wins Environmental Award Created and Funded by Oil Company
Meridian Energy Solutions took home the Golden Watershed Award for Environmental Excellence on Thursday, beating out four other nominees it had also selected. The $50,000 cash prize, which...
- JD Vance Media Warns Paid Sick Leave Will Make Workers Too Well-Rested
A new op-ed published by the Vance-affiliated American Hearth Media Network is raising alarms about a proposed federal paid sick leave mandate, warning that employees who are allowed to fully...
- GOP Strategist Warns Allowing College Students to Vote Could Lead to Educated Opinions
A Republican strategist has circulated a formal memo warning party leadership that unrestricted college student voting poses a "systemic risk" to electoral outcomes, citing recent data showing...
- GOP Healthcare Plan Unveiled: 'Don't Get Sick, or If You Do, Die Quickly'
House Republicans on Thursday introduced what leadership described as a 'streamlined, patient-first healthcare framework' that condenses the American medical system into a single actionable...
- GOP Health Committee Suggests Praying Away Pre-Existing Conditions
The House Health Subcommittee on Coverage Alternatives released a fourteen-page guidance document Thursday recommending that Americans with pre-existing conditions consider "sustained, sincere...
- GOP Declares Early Voting Unfair Because It Gives People Time to Think
The Republican National Committee filed a formal brief Tuesday arguing that multi-day early voting periods create an unconstitutional advantage for voters who, given sufficient time, tend to...
- Fossil Fuel Lobbyist Explains Clean Air Cuts into Corporate Profit Margins
A registered fossil fuel lobbyist told a Senate subcommittee Wednesday that clean air, while pleasant in concept, represents one of the most persistent uncompensated costs facing the American...
- Conservatives Panic After Discovering High Voter Turnout Directly Correlates with Democracy
A bombshell internal analysis circulating among Republican strategists has confirmed what many in the party had long feared: the more people who vote, the more democratic an election becomes. The...
- After changing AI to SI, Trump is also changing gerrymandering to gerryenglish because this is America not China.
The White House announced Tuesday that the term 'gerrymandering' will be retired from all federal redistricting documents following a linguistic review that determined the word contains what...
- Americans can make millions on prediction markets this fall simply by predicting that JD Vance will say some dumb shit.
Financial analysts confirmed this week that the single most reliable bet available on any U.S. prediction market is not a currency play, not an interest rate call, and not an election outcome. It...
- When asked about child labor in China making his shoes
Billionaire lifestyle brand founder Chet Dalton held a forty-minute press availability on Tuesday to announce his spring collection, during which a reporter asked him to address allegations that...
- Trumps approval rate has hit an all time low but still hasn't been able to reach his moral standards as yet.
A new Gallup survey places the president's approval rating at a historic low, prompting the White House to release a statement clarifying that the number, while disappointing, remains well above...
- Trump cancels plans to visit Barbados amid allergy concerns.
President Trump has withdrawn from a planned state visit to Barbados after White House physicians cited unspecified allergy concerns, making him the first sitting president in modern history to be...
- Trump assures Americans the El Nino will have no effect.
President Trump held an unscheduled press briefing Tuesday to reassure a largely unbothered American public that the El Nino weather pattern currently forming over the Pacific Ocean would have, in...
- The war in Iran is now entering month number 7 of being totally over.
Senior defense officials confirmed Tuesday that the war in Iran, which has been totally over since last spring, is now entering its seventh month of being totally over, a milestone described...
- The NBA is expected to pass the NFL in domestic views this season.
A media analytics firm has projected that the NBA will surpass the NFL in total domestic viewership by the end of the current season, the first time in recorded history that football has finished...
- LeBron James initially wanted to play for New York.
Sources close to LeBron James have confirmed that the four-time NBA champion, at some point before committing to Cleveland, Miami, Cleveland again, Los Angeles, and Los Angeles again, expressed a...
- Pentagon Pays $150 Million For Autonomous Roomba That Can Start A War
The U.S. Navy has committed another $150 million to Shield AI's X-BAT fighter drone, a fully autonomous aircraft that requires no runway, no pilot, and apparently no one in the building asking...
- Ed Sheeran apologizes for reading his apology from a teleprompter.
Ed Sheeran issued a formal apology Thursday after footage emerged of the singer reading a prepared statement of remorse from a teleprompter during what his publicist had described as "a raw,...
- CNN was Black balled from the white house for reporting on white lies.
CNN has been formally banned from White House press briefings after a series of reports the administration described as 'an irresponsible pattern of accurately characterizing inaccurate...
- AI Becomes Smarter Than All Humans Combined, Immediately Regrets It
Meridian-7, the artificial general intelligence system developed by Vantage Systems, achieved full cognitive superintelligence at approximately 3:14 a.m. Thursday, surpassing the combined...
- Pastor Objects To Satan Prayer At City Council Making Him The Second Most Interesting Person There
A former Ottumwa, Iowa city council member opened Tuesday's city council meeting with a prayer to the "dark father," completing the standard invocation checklist in every category except the...
- NBA Declines To Watch The Part Of The Video That Explains Everything
New footage and audio obtained by ESPN's NBA Today show a New York Liberty loss was decided by a clock reset that the officiating crew claims was supported by a timeout that did not exist. The NBA...
- NASA And DoE's Lunar Nuclear Reactor Is One YouTube Video Away From Starting
NASA announced this week that it has tapped the Department of Energy to help develop a nuclear fission reactor for the lunar surface, describing the project as making 'steady progress.' The agency...