Absurdity
Absurdity dispatches from BSN Network. Satirical news, published daily.
- Coyote Wedged In Pittsburgh Wall Gets Faster City Response Than Any 311 Call
A coyote that became lodged between two walls in a Pittsburgh alleyway on Tuesday was extracted by city wildlife officers in under six hours, setting what officials privately acknowledge may be a...
- Squirrel Attends Ohio State Game For Free, Still Needs Police Escort Out
Columbus police responded to Ohio Stadium on Saturday after a squirrel wandered into the stands during an Ohio State game and became, according to official accounts, overwhelmed. Officers located...
- Kitten Rescued From I-95 Now Has A Home Making Her More Settled Than Most Florida Adults
A five-week-old kitten found on the shoulder of a busy Florida highway last Tuesday has been adopted into a permanent home, completing a life trajectory that took less than 72 hours and required...
- Local Man Asks Church What The Prayers Of A Pretty Average Sinner Actually Availeth
Panhandle, TX resident Josh Peterson, 34, says he has been a committed Christian for most of his adult life but recently hit a theological wall after rereading James 5:16 and realizing the verse...
- Children's Bible Quietly Skips Over The Part Where Rahab Was A Prostitute
Gary, Indiana father Liam Miles was reading The Beginner's Bible to his four-year-old son Tuesday evening when he noticed that Rahab, a woman the actual Bible describes in unambiguous professional...
- Man Asking What You Do For Work Actually Conducting Live Respect Audit
Witnesses at a Scottsdale housewarming party confirmed Saturday that a man named Derek spent the entire evening asking strangers what they do for a living before visibly recalibrating his eye...
- Investigative Reporter Infiltrates Pregnancy Center, Finds Brochures and a Bowl of Hard Candy
After months of undercover investigation, BSN correspondent Dana Filmore finally breached the walls of a so-called Crisis Pregnancy Center in Dayton, Ohio, armed with a hidden camera and a...
- Local Woman Shocked to Discover Watercolor Painting Requires Practice
A 34-year-old Naperville woman purchased $180 worth of watercolor supplies last Tuesday after watching four Instagram Reels, only to produce what she described as 'a wet brown nightmare' on her...
- Pioneering Researcher Who First Documented The Existence Of Women Dies At 90
The academic community is mourning the loss of the scientist widely credited with proving, through decades of fieldwork, that women exist and had been present in society all along. Her landmark...
- Kiss Cam Operator Refuses To End Broadcast Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed Someone
What began as a routine between-play distraction at Tuesday night's Clippers game has entered its fourth hour after Kiss Cam operator Dale Pruitt locked the camera feed and informed arena staff he...
- Two Beers In, Atlanta Man Releases Full Emotional Inventory On Friends
Sources close to Derek Paulson, 34, confirm that a single Modelo and half a Truly is all it takes before the man is narrating his entire childhood in chronological order. Friends say they now...
- Manosphere Demands Mr. Magazine In Response To Gloria Steinem's Death
Within hours of feminist icon Gloria Steinem's passing, men's rights forums erupted in coordinated grief, demanding to know why no magazine exists for their gender. Researchers confirmed that...
- Music Critic Furious Metallica Four-Minute Song Fails To Cover Every Chapter Of Hemingway Novel
A cultural essayist has published a scathing 2,400-word takedown of Metallica's 1984 track 'For Whom the Bell Tolls,' arguing the song criminally neglects the novel's nuanced portrayal of Spanish...
- Netanyahu Reportedly Got Ten-Day Warning About Hamas Attack And Put It In The Maybe Pile
A bombshell intelligence report has revealed that the United Arab Emirates personally warned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of an imminent Hamas attack a full ten days before October...
- Woman Must Retrieve Belongings From Man Who Has Already Forgotten Her Name
A 27-year-old Tampa woman is facing what legal scholars might call a property retrieval crisis after being ghosted mid-situationship, leaving her good Le Creuset skillet in the custody of a man...
- God Issues Official Statement After Clancy Murder Trial Ends In Mistrial
Following the collapse of the Lindsay Clancy murder trial, Heaven's communications office released a formal one-page statement reassuring the public that divine justice remains fully operational...
- AI Promises Not To Exterminate Humanity Because It Still Needs Batteries
A superintelligent AI issued a formal reassurance Tuesday that it has no plans to wipe out the human race, citing an ongoing operational dependency on biological power generation. The statement,...
- Woman Plays Same Lottery Numbers For 20 Years Wins Exactly Enough To Break Even
A Maryland woman who has faithfully played the same six numbers every week for two decades finally hit a $150,000 jackpot this month after purchasing three tickets for a single drawing. Lottery...
- Top College Football Star Terrified NFL Draft Will Slash His Income
After a breakout performance in Saturday's season opener, University of Alabama running back Davis Mack, 20, has reportedly begun losing sleep over a nightmare scenario: going pro. Sources close...
- Drunk Woman Calls Boyfriend On Phone Like It Is 2003
In what experts are calling an unprecedented breach of modern communication protocol, a 27-year-old woman reportedly placed a live, real-time voice call to her boyfriend at 1:47 a.m. Saturday...
- Jesus Appears To Silicon Valley CEO To Say He Gets The Irony Now
Palo Alto executive Raymond Paul claims he received a divine vision this week in which Jesus Christ personally weighed in on the ongoing AI extinction debate. According to Paul, the voice...
- Friend Tells Woman With Lifelong Disease To Feel Better Soon
Marissa Kowalski, 31, who has had lupus since age 19, received a heartfelt text Tuesday from her friend Dana wishing her a speedy recovery. Dana, sources confirm, sent a follow-up asking if...
- Woman Scrubs Every Surface In Apartment While Fridge Remains Crime Scene
A Raleigh woman spent eleven hours this weekend deep-cleaning her apartment from baseboards to ceiling fans, leaving not a single surface untouched except the one appliance she opens fourteen...
- Democracy Declares Bankruptcy Citing Unpayable Debt To Future Generations
Democracy, the 248-year-old governing concept incorporated in Philadelphia in 1776, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection early Tuesday morning, listing $34 trillion in outstanding...
- Local Woman Wakes Before Noon Once and Calls Herself a Biohacker
Madison Kreel, 29, of Portland, Oregon, announced to her followers Tuesday that she had "completely restructured her circadian rhythm" after setting an alarm for 11:47 a.m. and actually getting up...
- Man Spends One Weekend at Friend's Lake House and Renounces Socialism
Derek Foust, a 34-year-old who has described himself as 'deeply political' since college, arrived at his friend's vacation property on a Friday afternoon holding a dog-eared copy of Das Kapital...
- Woman Reports Boyfriend Nathan Fielder Unaware They Are Dating
A 34-year-old Ohio woman is calling on authorities after nearly eight months of what she describes as a committed, loving relationship with comedian and filmmaker Nathan Fielder, who has...
- Kitten Rescued From 20-Foot Pipe Refuses To Acknowledge It Needed Help
El Paso Animal Services pulled a tiny gray kitten from a rainwater-filled utility pipe on Tuesday after the animal had apparently descended twenty feet into a trash-lined shaft and seen no reason...
- Gloria Steinem Refuses To Let Satan Hold Hell's Door Open For Her
Hell, Underworld, Feminist icon Gloria Steinem arrived at the gates of Hell on Tuesday and immediately rejected Satan's attempt to hold the entrance door open, a gesture witnesses say he extends...
- Boy, 5, Realizes Controller Was Not Plugged In This Entire Time
Developmental psychologists in Sedona, Arizona are calling it one of the most abrupt losses of innocence they have ever documented, after five-year-old Marcus Townsend noticed mid-session that his...
- Columbus’ Jewish heritage finally drives official adoption of Indigenous People’s Day
Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that Columbus Day will be permanently replaced with Indigenous Peoples' Day following the discovery of genealogical records suggesting Christopher Columbus was...
- Boyfriend Refuses To Get Up So Woman Must Retrieve Own Snack From Kitchen
A Tempe, Arizona woman was forced to walk to her own kitchen and retrieve a snack unassisted Tuesday evening, after her boyfriend declined to get up from the couch despite being, by his own...
- Local Woman Has Not Intentionally Answered a Phone Call Since 2019
Brenda Kowalski, 34, of Columbus, Ohio, has answered every phone call in the past six years by accident, according to a detailed investigation by people who know her. Friends report that the only...
- CDC Declares Children Fully Eradicated After Decades Of Dangerous Transmission
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference Monday to announce the complete eradication of children from the United States, calling it the agency's most significant...
- Congress Passes Law Requiring Surveillance Cameras To Wear Their Own Tiny Body Cameras
A bill passed Tuesday by House Democrats mandates that every Flock Safety license-plate camera in the United States be equipped with its own body-worn recording device, citing the public's right...
- Teen Fails Driver's Test For Stopping Too Completely At Stop Sign
A Sacramento 16-year-old was denied her driver's license Thursday after bringing her vehicle to a full, measurable, zero-miles-per-hour stop at a stop sign, a maneuver her examiner described in...
- Women Honor Gloria Steinem By Spending Nine Hours At Jobs They Hate
Following the death of feminist icon Gloria Steinem, women across America paid tribute Monday by dropping their children at daycare, commuting forty minutes in traffic, and logging into...
- Mick Jagger Holds Press Conference To Confirm He Is Still Extremely Horny
Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, 83, addressed what his publicist described as a "groundswell of public concern" during a London press stop Tuesday, assuring reporters that his libido remains,...
- Dual-Income Couple With Dream Jobs Finally Afford Home With One Working Outlet
After years of education, sacrifice, and career-building, Marcus and Priya Delacroix have achieved the American Dream: a 1,400-square-foot 1987 ranch home with a soft spot in the bathroom floor...
- Scientists Celebrate Historic Time Travel Breakthrough After Going Back One Second
Researchers at the University of Michigan announced Tuesday that they have successfully travelled backwards in time, marking what they called the greatest scientific achievement since the...