Sports
Derrick Henry Needs 97 Yards Which Is Exactly 97 Yards More Than The Saints Can Stop
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
BALTIMORE, MD, Derrick Henry came into Sunday's game against the New Orleans Saints needing 97 yards to pass Eric Dickerson and slot himself ninth on the NFL's all-time career rushing list. At halftime, the Baltimore Ravens lead 14-6, Henry is rolling, and the Saints defense has responded to the moment with the kind of collective urgency you usually see at a DMV on a Friday afternoon.
Eric Dickerson set his numbers in 1984. Ronald Reagan was president. The Ghostbusters movie was in theaters. People thought the mullet was a reasonable hairstyle choice. The record has stood for forty years, and it is about to be run over by a 250-pound human freight train wearing purple who does not appear to understand the concept of going down on first contact.
The Saints knew this was coming. It was in every newspaper, every injury report, every pre-game segment on every channel since Thursday. They had a full week to come up with a plan. What they appeared to come up with is standing slightly closer to Henry before he runs directly through them anyway.
Saints linebacker Demario Davis, who has called himself one of the best linebackers in the league in public on multiple occasions, was asked before the game how the defense planned to handle Henry. "We're going to bring great effort and great energy and execute our assignments at a high level," Davis said. Demario. Brother. Your assignment is a man who has never once been stopped by great energy. He is going to run through you and then through the person behind you.
Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, who has the expression of a man who was told at birth that he was going to win a Super Bowl and has never once doubted it, said before kickoff that the offensive line deserved the credit and that Henry was just doing his job. Henry's job, for context, is to make NFL defenses look like they wandered out of the stands. He is very good at his job. The Saints are making him look even better at it.
The Ravens are up 14-6 at the half. Both touchdowns came from the kind of drives that make defensive coordinators consider other career paths. The Saints have a half of football left to stop Derrick Henry from passing a record that has been sitting untouched since before the internet existed. Their track record through the first half suggests it is going to fall.
Eric Dickerson, reached for comment through the abstract concept of legacy, did not respond, because records do not respond to comment requests. They just get broken by enormous men in Baltimore while a defensive backfield watches from a safe distance.
The all-time rushing list is not ready for what is about to happen to it. The Saints are definitely not ready. They were not ready in the first half. They will not be ready in the second half. Preparation, it turns out, is not the same thing as being able to actually stop Derrick Henry.
Nothing is.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/derrick-henry-ravens-lead-saints-14-6-at-halftime