Politics
Hegseth Pulls Troops From Russia's Doorstep To Fight The Real Enemy: Colombia
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Saturday that the United States is considering pulling troops from Europe and redeploying them to Central and South America, a strategic pivot the Pentagon is describing as an "expansion of presence" and which military historians are describing as a sentence they need to read again.
Hegseth made the remarks without specifying which countries would lose American troops, which countries would gain them, or at what point during the briefing someone was supposed to bring up the land war currently happening in Europe.
Russia invaded Ukraine in February 2022. That is not a historical footnote. That is the thing that is still happening while Hegseth is rearranging the board.
The administration has been escalating its campaign against drug cartels in South America, a mission that senior officials have described as essential, urgent, and in no way a reason to thin out the eastern flank of NATO while Vladimir Putin finishes his coffee.
"We're definitely expanding our presence and our footprint in Central and South America with partners," Hegseth said, using the word 'expanding' to describe a net movement of soldiers away from a continent that is currently on fire, which is the kind of framing that deserves its own communications degree.
NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte did not publicly respond to the announcement. His office released a statement confirming he had received the news, was processing it, and would have thoughts at a later date, which is diplomat for screaming into a pillow.
Former European Command advisor Patricia Weil, who spent eleven years coordinating U.S. force posture across the continent, described the move as "aggressively counterintuitive" and then, after a pause, just said "I don't know what to tell you."
The cartel operations in question have involved special forces deployments, drone surveillance, and cooperation with regional partners, none of whom were asked whether they wanted the specific troops currently standing between Poland and whatever comes next.
Conservative commentators praised the move as proof that the administration is focused on threats in America's backyard. Liberal analysts called it reckless. Both groups agreed, without coordinating, that they would like to know exactly which units are moving, and both groups were told nothing.
The Pentagon confirmed the redeployment is still under review, which means it has not happened yet, which means there is still time for someone in that building to find Hegseth and ask, gently, whether the cartels have tanks.
They do not have tanks.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehill.com/policy/defense/6127801-hegseth-redeploys-troops-western-hemisphere/