Conspiracy
Kennedy Center Has Never Owned A Single One Of Its Steinway Pianos
By Tah Foil, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, which has spent decades informing the American public that it is the living embodiment of this nation's cultural soul, announced this week that it will be returning sixteen Steinway concert grand pianos because the leases on all of them are expiring and the center does not own a single one.
The pianos, which have been used to perform Chopin, Brahms, Rachmaninoff and the complete works of every composer the center has ever described as a cornerstone of human civilization, were rented.
All sixteen of them.
Sources familiar with the situation confirmed that the Kennedy Center has been operating its concert halls, its galas, its nationally televised tributes to American greatness, and its annual Honors ceremony, on instruments it was legally required to return by a date printed on a form.
"The Kennedy Center remains committed to providing world-class artistic experiences for audiences from across the country and around the world," said a spokesperson for the center, in a statement that did not address what pianists are supposed to play on starting sometime next month.
The center noted that the lease arrangement is standard practice in the performing arts industry, which is the kind of sentence that sounds reassuring until you remember that the Kennedy Center specifically is the institution that holds a ceremony every year to remind Americans what a serious country this is.
Lang Lang performed there. Yo-Yo Ma performed there. The center put a plaque on a wall with John F. Kennedy's name on it. The pianos were due back.
Experts in concert venue management reached by phone pointed out that a 16-piano lease expiring at the same time suggests all sixteen were acquired in a single transaction, meaning whoever signed that contract knew, on the day they signed it, that all sixteen would have to leave simultaneously. That person has since moved on.
Congress, which provides a portion of the Kennedy Center's annual operating budget, had not, as of press time, convened a hearing on the matter. Several members were described by staff as unaware that the Kennedy Center did not own its own pianos, and one senior legislative aide, who asked not to be named, said only, "Wait, like, none of them?"
The center says it is in active discussions with Steinway about the next steps, a phrase that covers every possible outcome from renewing the leases to holding a string quartet concert and hoping nobody brings it up.
In the meantime, the concert calendar remains published, the upcoming season remains on sale, and the Kennedy Center's website still describes its Grand Foyer as one of the largest rooms in the world, a distinction that does not mention what kind of room it is when the Steinways are gone.
A room, it turns out, is just a room.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/kennedy-center-steinway-pianos/