Sports
NFL Drug Tests Broncos Lineman For Blocking Aaron Donald Too Hard
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
The National Football League, an organization that has spent forty years pretending it did not know what a concussion was, has now turned its considerable investigative resources toward a man who blocked someone too convincingly.
Quinn Meinerz, offensive lineman for the Denver Broncos, was selected for a drug test following a block on Aaron Donald that went viral faster than most things that do not involve a celebrity falling down stairs. The footage showed Meinerz doing what offensive linemen are contractually obligated to do, except he did it so thoroughly that the league apparently needed a biological explanation.
Aaron Donald, for those who need context, is one of the most decorated defensive players in the history of the sport. He is not a man who gets moved. He is the man other men get moved for. And Meinerz picked him up, redirected him, and deposited him somewhere the play was not happening.
The NFL watched this and thought: something is wrong here.
Not wrong with how the Rams defended it. Not wrong with the concept of a 330-pound man doing his job with extreme commitment. Wrong, specifically, with Meinerz's kidneys. The league required a sample.
Meinerz, to his credit, said he passed. Which is either the most obvious outcome in the history of drug testing, or evidence that whatever he is on has not been invented yet and the labs are simply not looking in the right place.
NFL spokesperson Damien Lurch released a statement describing the test as part of the league's standard random protocol, adding that the selection was, quote, completely unrelated to any specific play or performance, which is the kind of sentence that only needs to be said when it is completely related to a specific play and performance.
Donald himself has not commented publicly, which is the correct move. There is no version of Aaron Donald telling reporters he got blocked badly that ends well for Aaron Donald.
Meinerz's teammates have reportedly been supportive, in the specific way teammates are supportive when one of their own gets singled out by the league office, which is to say they are furious on his behalf and slightly afraid they are next.
Denver head coach Sean Payton said the organization fully cooperated with the testing process and that Meinerz is a professional who handles everything the right way, which translates from coach-speak as: we are livid, we cannot say that, and please write something nice.
The block itself remains on the internet, where it will live forever, drug tested or not.
The league has not announced what substance, if detected, would explain the footage. Presumably they are working on it.
The story we are making fun of: https://bleacherreport.com/articles/25504553-broncos-quinn-meinerz-selected-nfl-drug-test-amid-viral-video-block-rams-aaron-donald