Politics
Republicans Finally Believe in Climate Change After Polls Show Large Portions of ICE Apparently Melting Down
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressional Republicans reversed their position on climate change on Monday after internal polling showed large portions of ICE melting down, which several members described as the first physical evidence they had personally witnessed.
The reversal followed a closed-door briefing at which lawmakers were shown footage from a regional Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations floor during the midterm projections. One officer is seen holding his own face. Another had reportedly been looking at the same sheet of paper for eleven minutes without turning it over.
"For years they told us the ice was melting and frankly we did not see it," said Rep. Dale Forster of Alabama, who has voted against every emissions measure since 2011. "Now we are seeing it. Large portions. Melting down in real time. You cannot argue with the footage."
Asked whether he understood that the ice in question was a federal agency, Forster said the distinction was "the kind of hair-splitting that has held this debate back."
The caucus has since introduced the Thermal Stability for Federal Personnel Act, which commits $4 billion to cooling measures at ICE facilities and establishes the nation's first formal target for holding internal departmental temperature below pre-election levels. The bill makes no reference to the atmosphere, the oceans, or any ice that is not employed by the Department of Homeland Security.
Climate scientists who had spent their careers on the issue responded with what one described as "the worst possible version of being proved right."
"We have published roughly forty thousand papers," said Dr. Renata Hollis of the Lamont Climate Observatory. "What moved them was a man in a tactical vest putting his head on a desk. I am trying to be glad about it."
The White House has not said whether it will support the measure. A spokesman confirmed only that the administration was "monitoring the situation closely and has asked for the thermostat to be looked at."
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.