Sports
Aaron Rodgers Destroyed By His Own Blocker, Loses 36 Yards, Keeps His Chakras
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
On Sunday, Pittsburgh Steelers offensive lineman attempted a block, missed every opposing player within arm's reach, and redirected all of that kinetic energy directly into Aaron Rodgers, his own quarterback. The play lost 36 yards. Rodgers lost nothing, which is almost medically impossible.
Let's start with the 36 yards. You cannot lose 36 yards on a single play in professional football without trying. That is not a football play, that is a controlled demolition. A real estate transaction. The Steelers did not just go backwards, they went backwards the length of a Manhattan studio apartment, and they did it to themselves, and they are professionals.
Rodgers, for his part, absorbed a full-speed blindside collision from a man whose entire job is to prevent full-speed blindside collisions, and walked off the field like he had just closed a tab at a bar. No injury. No limp. No visible acknowledgment that anything unusual had occurred. The man spent two years in a walking boot and missed an entire season after his first Jets snap, but apparently being flattened by a lineman who forgot what color jersey he was wearing is perfectly fine. That tracks.
Rodgers spoke to reporters after the game. He said, and this is a direct quote, "I feel like the energy of the team is in a place where we can really build from this." He then paused, appeared to briefly achieve inner peace, and added that he was "grateful for the experience and what it teaches us about alignment, both physical and metaphysical." One of the reporters asked if he meant the offensive line alignment. Rodgers smiled in a way that suggested the question was adorable.
The Steelers coaching staff has not commented on how a play designed to gain yards resulted in the offense moving backwards the distance of a bowling lane and a half. Offensive coordinator Arthur Smith, who drew up the play, has reportedly been described by sources in the building as a man who is "working through it privately." That is the same phrase the franchise used when they benched Russell Wilson, so it means nothing and it means everything.
The lineman responsible for the blindside hit has not been identified by name, which is either a courtesy or a witness protection situation. Either way, the NFL reviewed the play, determined it was a legal block, and then presumably sat in silence for a moment before moving on with their lives.
Somewhere in New York, Aaron Rodgers is probably in a sensory deprivation tank right now, floating, healing, and absolutely not thinking about the fact that his team is built on the structural integrity of a parking garage in a flood zone. He feels great. He is aligned. He has already forgiven the lineman and probably sent him a book.
The play lost 36 yards. Nobody was hurt.
We should all be so lucky.
The story we are making fun of: https://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/article/aaron-rodgers-gets-obliterated-by-blindside-block-chaos-ensues-as-steelers-lose-36-yards-on-fumble-181954831.html