Absurdity
Boyfriend Refuses To Get Up So Woman Must Retrieve Own Snack From Kitchen
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
TEMPE, AZ. A local woman was compelled to retrieve her own treat from her own kitchen inside her own home Tuesday evening, after her live-in partner of three years refused to stand up from the couch in what mental health professionals are already calling "completely fine, actually."
The incident began at approximately 8:47 PM, when Daniela Reyes, 29, expressed a mild interest in a bag of sea-salt pretzels located approximately fourteen feet away in the kitchen. Her boyfriend, Marcus Holt, 31, who was at that moment not doing anything, heard this, processed it, and chose to remain seated.
"I just sat down," said Holt, despite having sat down at 7:53 PM, a fact confirmed by the household Roku's inactivity log, two throw pillows arranged in the shape of a man who had been sitting for a very long time, and Holt himself under brief questioning.
Reyes made the journey alone.
"It was fourteen feet," said Reyes. "I counted. Fourteen feet, two doorways, and a dog who was also not going to help me." The dog, a beagle named Carl, declined to comment but sources say he also did not move.
Holt, for his part, maintains that the situation has been characterized unfairly. "She didn't ask me," he told BSN Network. "She just kind of announced it. There's a difference." When pressed on what that difference was, Holt stared at the television for four seconds and then said "a big one."
Experts note that the "announcement versus request" distinction, which Holt appears to have developed independently, has no basis in relationship science, common courtesy, or the implicit social contract that forms between two people who have agreed to share a bed and a Netflix password.
Dr. Patricia Osei, a couples therapist based in Scottsdale who was not involved in this specific couch incident but has seen many like it, explained that the failure begins well before the snack. "One partner signals a need. The other partner hears it as ambient noise. The first partner then does the task herself and quietly files it under a mental folder labeled 'Things I Will Remember Forever,' " said Dr. Osei. "The folder is never deleted. It is only added to."
Reyes confirmed the folder exists and said it also contains the time Holt watched her carry four grocery bags in one trip without standing up, the time he said "we should clean" and then watched her clean, and an incident in February involving a paper towel roll that both parties have agreed not to discuss publicly.
Holt was asked whether, in hindsight, he might have simply gotten the pretzels. He thought about this for what observers described as a genuinely long time.
"She knows where the kitchen is," he said.
The pretzels were sea salt. Reyes ate them on her side of the couch. Holt asked if he could have some. She gave him some. This is the most damning detail in the entire report and we are leaving it here, at the end, without further comment.
The story we are making fun of: https://reductress.com/post/evil-manipulative-partner-makes-woman-get-treat-by-herself/