Absurdity
Conservative Think Tank Argues Educated Population Threatens GOP Future
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: The Crestwood Policy Institute, a conservative think tank founded in 2003 to promote limited government and traditional values, released a 94-page report Monday arguing that the continued expansion of higher education in the United States represents one of the most serious long-term threats to Republican electoral viability the party has ever faced.
The report is titled "The Knowledge Gap: How an Overeducated Electorate Is Undermining Democratic Participation." The word "democratic" in that title refers to the process, not the party, which the authors clarify in a footnote on page three and then again, apparently out of anxiety, on page eleven.
"We are not saying education is bad," said Dr. Franklin Pruett, the report's lead author and a man holding a PhD from Duke, a master's from Georgetown, and an undergraduate degree from Vanderbilt. "We are saying that certain kinds of education, specifically the kind that encourages prolonged critical engagement with primary sources, may be producing voters who are difficult to reach with our current messaging infrastructure."
The report identifies several alarming trends. Counties where more than 40 percent of residents hold a four-year degree went from reliably Republican in 2000 to reliably Democratic by 2020. The authors describe this shift as "an epistemic crisis" and "deeply unfair."
Among the report's recommendations: the Republican Party should invest in rebranding community college as "the patriotic alternative," push for a federal cap on the number of humanities PhDs awarded annually, and explore whether public libraries could be reclassified as recreational facilities, which would make them ineligible for certain educational funding streams.
The library reclassification proposal appears on page 61. Page 62 is blank. Page 63 begins a new section titled "Opportunities."
"Look, we did the math," said Crestwood communications director Bethany Ogle, who noted she was speaking on background before agreeing to be quoted by name in the next sentence. "The data is pretty clear that the more letters somebody has after their name, the less likely they are to vote the way we need them to vote. That's not us being anti-intellectual. That's us being strategic."
The report does acknowledge one significant counterargument in a section subtitled "Limitations." The counterargument is that the report itself is a 94-page academic document full of regression analyses and longitudinal data, and that the only people likely to read and act on it are exactly the kind of highly educated policy professionals the report has identified as the problem.
This section is two sentences long. The second sentence reads: "We recognize the irony and have chosen to move past it."
Reaction from within the Republican Party has been mixed. Several House members praised the report's findings without specifying which findings. Senator Dale Burrough of Oklahoma called it "very long but probably important." A spokesperson for the Republican National Committee said the organization was "reviewing the recommendations with great interest," which is what they say about everything before doing nothing about it.
Democrats responded by sharing the report on social media with no comment, which is the most devastating thing you can do with a document like this.
Crestwood plans to hold a symposium on the report's findings in September. The event will be hosted at the Willard InterContinental in Washington, catered, and open only to credentialed members of the press and invited policy experts, admission by application.
The application asks for your highest level of educational attainment.
It is required.
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