Absurdity
Dual-Income Couple With Dream Jobs Finally Afford Home With One Working Outlet
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
COLUMBUS, Ohio: Marcus Delacroix, 34, a senior software architect, and his wife Priya, 33, a hospital pharmacist, closed last month on a 1,400-square-foot ranch home built in 1987, describing the purchase as the logical culmination of everything they had worked toward since childhood.
The home has three bedrooms if you count the one that cannot fit a bed. The roof was replaced in 2019, partially. There is a deck, though local structural engineers have requested it not be referred to as a deck.
"We feel really fortunate," said Marcus, standing in a kitchen where two of the four burners function and the dishwasher door must be held closed with a bungee cord sourced from the previous owner's garage. "A lot of people our age can't even get here."
That is correct. A lot of people their age cannot get here. This is, by current standards, a success story.
The couple spent fourteen months searching, losing eleven offers to buyers paying cash, and recalibrating their expectations four separate times, each recalibration involving a conversation that began with the phrase "okay but what do we actually need" and ended in silence.
They settled on the ranch home after deciding that the soft spot in the bathroom floor was "probably fine" and that the furnace, which produces a rhythmic clanking sound that their home inspector described in writing as "concerning but not immediately fatal," would likely last another few winters.
"We make good money," Priya said, in the tone of someone trying to convince themselves of a fact they no longer fully believe. "This is what good money looks like now. This is the thing good money gets you."
She gestured at the popcorn ceiling.
The mortgage payment is $2,940 a month, which is $340 more than their previous rent for an apartment that had central air and a lobby. They are paying more to own a thing that requires them to personally fix it when it breaks, which it does, because it is 37 years old and was built during a period when builders did not anticipate anyone caring very much about insulation.
A spokesperson for the National Association of Realtors called the purchase "a testament to the couple's resilience and their commitment to building long-term equity in a challenging but ultimately rewarding market environment."
The spokesperson did not mention that the long-term equity will take approximately nine years to offset the cost of the roof, the furnace, the bathroom floor, the electrical panel, which an inspector flagged as a "known fire risk pending upgrade," and the deck, which a different inspector simply photographed without comment.
Neighbors have been welcoming. One brought over a casserole. Another stopped by to mention that the previous owners had a dog that had lived primarily under the deck, and that this explained some things, though he did not specify what things.
Marcus has already joined two subreddits about vintage furnace repair. He describes this as "kind of fun, actually," in the voice of a man who has recently been told that finding things kind of fun, actually, is now a core personality requirement for homeownership.
Priya is pregnant. The baby will sleep in the third bedroom, which is nine feet by eight feet and has a window that does not open, which is also fine, probably.
"We're really happy," Marcus said.
The furnace agreed, and then made the sound again.
The story we are making fun of: https://theonion.com/what-middle-class-looks-like-now/