Absurdity
Ex-Bodyguard Threw 22 Paintings Into Sinema's Pool To Demand A Social Media Post
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
Matthew Ammel, formerly employed as the personal bodyguard of former Arizona U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema and, separately, her boyfriend, was arrested this week after police say he broke into her home while she was traveling, caused approximately $200,000 in damage, and submerged 22 paintings in her swimming pool as part of a structured, escalating demand that she post a video to social media.
The posting interval he selected was ten minutes per painting, which means Ammel was either in that house for nearly four hours or he front-loaded the threats, panicked, and threw the last seventeen in at once. Police have not clarified the timeline, possibly because they also cannot believe they are writing this report.
Sinema, who spent her Senate career cultivating an image as someone who could not be pressured into anything, including healthcare legislation that would have helped millions of people, apparently drew her line at a pool full of ruined art.
Ammel was charged with burglary, criminal damage, and threatening. He was not charged with anything related to the paintings specifically, which raises a secondary question about what the correct charge is when a man executes a premeditated art hostage situation with documented intervals and apparent patience.
Neighbors described the situation as unusual. "I mean, I've seen breakups," said one resident who asked not to be named, "but usually it's a box of stuff left on the porch. Twenty-two paintings in a pool is more of a statement. That's a whole gallery decision."
Ammel's employment history, which included being paid to identify and neutralize threats to Kyrsten Sinema's safety and property, was not available for comment, but it is doing a lot of work on its own.
Sinema, who left the Senate in January after declining to seek re-election following years of voter frustration, had already survived a political career defined by being cornered in bathrooms, followed through airports, and shouted at by constituents who wanted her to vote differently. None of those people threw a painting.
The $200,000 damage estimate covers the full scope of what Ammel allegedly did to the property, a figure that, amortized across 22 paintings and one social media video that was never posted, works out to roughly $9,090 per canvas and infinite dollars per view.
Ammel had not made any public statements as of press time. His attorney also had not made any public statements, though one imagines the conversation in that office was brief and mostly quiet.
Sinema did not post the video.
The story we are making fun of: https://boingboing.net/2026/09/27/kyrsten-sinemas-former-bodyguard-and-lover-arrested-after-throwing-22-paintings-in-her-swimming-pool.html