Jeff Garstein
Absurdity
Surreal and culturally absurd situations, reported as though they were ordinary news.
Jeff Garstein covers the stories that would be the biggest news of the year if anybody agreed they were happening. He files them the way any reporter files anything: what occurred, who was there, what they said about it afterwards.
He does not find them strange. That is the part readers tend to ask about, and the answer is that he has been doing this a long time and the premise stopped mattering to him some while ago.
Articles by Jeff Garstein
- Pentagon Pays $150 Million For Autonomous Roomba That Can Start A War
The U.S. Navy has committed another $150 million to Shield AI's X-BAT fighter drone, a fully autonomous aircraft that requires no runway, no pilot, and apparently no one in the building asking...
- NBA Declines To Watch The Part Of The Video That Explains Everything
New footage and audio obtained by ESPN's NBA Today show a New York Liberty loss was decided by a clock reset that the officiating crew claims was supported by a timeout that did not exist. The NBA...
- Tennessee Executes A Woman For The First Time In 200 Years, Except It Didn't Work
Christa Pike, 50, survived two full doses of pentobarbital last Wednesday as Tennessee officials attempted what would have been the state's first execution of a woman since before the Civil War....
- Microsoft Ships Laptop Whose Name Microsoft Word Would Underline In Red
Microsoft on Tuesday unveiled the Surace Laptop Ultra, its thinnest, most powerful laptop yet, featuring a name that its own bundled copy of Word flags with a squiggly red line on first boot. The...
- Tennessee Picked Christa Pike's Execution Method So Witnesses Wouldn't Feel Weird
Tennessee is scheduled to execute Christa Pike, convicted of a 1995 torture-murder, using nitrogen hypoxia, a method state officials chose in part because observers described previous executions...
- Congress Ends Clock-Changing Chaos By Making Every Morning Permanently Worse
After decades of complaining that changing the clocks twice a year disrupts sleep, productivity, and the general will to live, the United States is now moving to stop changing the clocks at all,...
- Coco Gauff Disputes A Line Call, Internet Disputes Whether She Should Be Here
Coco Gauff contested a disputed point during her China Open match against Sun Xinran and received what she described as an 'insane' amount of racist comments on social media in the hours that...
- Cornell Police Visited That Frat, Filed A Report And Technically Did Their Job
Cornell University police made a drug-related arrest at a fraternity house 22 hours before a former student alleges she was drugged and sexually assaulted there, according to a campus crime log...
- Pilot Who Stopped Israel's 9/11 Finds Out He's A World Hero From Netanyahu's Instagram
Indian Air Force pilot Smit Machchhar intercepted a missile strike that Israeli officials are describing as a potential national catastrophe, and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu moved swiftly to...
- Engineer Asks If Postgres Can Run Doom, Postgres Can Run Doom, Engineer Has A Meeting On Monday
A software engineer at a mid-sized logistics firm in Columbus, Ohio, spent approximately four hours on a Friday afternoon porting the 1993 shooter Doom to run entirely inside a PostgreSQL...
- Jared Kushner, Who Has Said Nothing, Is Tired Of Not Being Heard
Jared Kushner, whose private equity firm accepted a $2 billion investment from Saudi Arabia's sovereign wealth fund shortly after leaving the White House, announced this week that he is frustrated...
- FlyDubai Called The Cockpit Stabbing And Crash Attempt A Brawl
Israeli authorities announced Wednesday that the mid-flight "brawl" aboard flydubai Flight FZ1073 was actually the copilot trying to knife the captain and crash the plane into Tel Aviv. The...
- Starship Finally Reaches Orbit, Immediately Asks To Leave Early
SpaceX's Starship completed its first successful orbital flight this week, deploying 26 Starlink satellites and logging a historic milestone before engine trouble cut the planned ten-hour mission...
- Boeing Offers Astronauts A 2028 Boarding Date To Make Up For 2024
Boeing has announced that its Starliner capsule could carry astronauts to the International Space Station as early as 2028, a timeline the company described as 'aggressive.' The announcement comes...
- Johnson Sends Congress Home Early Rather Than Talk About Pete Hegseth
House Speaker Mike Johnson abruptly adjourned the legislative session this week before members could hold an impeachment vote on Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man whose approval numbers have...
- Ex-Bodyguard Threw 22 Paintings Into Sinema's Pool To Demand A Social Media Post
Matthew Ammel, former bodyguard and former boyfriend of former Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema, was arrested this week after allegedly breaking into her home and throwing 22 paintings into her...
- Mamdani's Giant Prop Check For Workers Isn't Actually A Check
New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani held a press conference this week to announce a $131.5 million victory over DoorDash's 'corporate greed,' complete with an oversized novelty check the size of a...
- Man Tells Police He Needed To Know Where The Squirtle Was
A 34-year-old Pokémon card collector in Washington state attached a GPS tracking device to a delivery driver's personal vehicle so he could intercept her route before she reached his competitors....
- Rahm Emanuel Promises To Fight For America With The Nine Fingers He Has Left
Rahm Emanuel, the former Chicago mayor and longtime Democratic operative, is reportedly preparing for a 2028 presidential run, according to people who have watched him give speeches in...
- Britain Launches Space Military Force Whose Main Weapon Is Bad Wi-Fi
The United Kingdom has stood up its first dedicated space squadron, promising to defend British satellites from hostile nations using the full might of electronic warfare. The III Space Effects...
- Ted Nugent Shoots Trophy Buck While Dressed Like A Pediatric Dentist's Waiting Room
Ted Nugent, who has spent the better part of five decades insisting he is the last real American, posted a hunting photo this week that immediately shifted public attention away from the deer. The...
- Mayor Made Orgasm Noises At The Police Gym And The Police Chief Has Notes
The police chief of Shoreview, Minnesota has filed a federal lawsuit against Mayor Kim Her, alleging that she touched his thigh during a budget meeting, compared the size of his penis to that of...
- America Outsourced Its Wildlife Management To A Bear Obesity Tournament
Every fall, Katmai National Park in Alaska holds Fat Bear Week, a federally sanctioned bracket competition in which the public votes on which brown bear gained the most weight before hibernation....
- Discord Upgrades Child Safety By Asking Nicely
Discord has rolled out a new age verification system described by the company as "less intrusive," which gives users the option to confirm they are adults without submitting any documentation that...
- The Hardest Part Of Vinatieri's World Record Was Finding Someone To Hike Up And Hold The Ball
Former New England Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri, 51, has set a Guinness World Record by successfully kicking a field goal at an altitude of 11,317 feet and 8 inches, somewhere on a mountain...
- Jerry Lewis Impersonator Who Outlived Jerry Lewis Now Has More Biographies Than Jerry Lewis
Sammy Petrillo, the man who spent the better part of six decades legally and professionally being the second-best version of Jerry Lewis, has been immortalized in a new biography titled Your Time...
- Rooftop Pool Plan Relocated To Building Visible Only From The Rooftop Pool
MCR Hotels has unveiled revised plans for the BT Tower that retain a rooftop pool by moving it to a shorter adjacent building, where guests will enjoy unobstructed views of the taller building...
- Ohio PD Now Has A Hammock Category In Its Deer Rescue Spreadsheet
The Twinsburg Police Department has rescued deer from fences, from traffic, from drainage ditches, and from at least one situation involving a basketball net. Last Tuesday, for the first time in...
- SpaceX Gets Third Straight NASA Crew Contract While Boeing's Astronaut Taxi Sits In Therapy
NASA has awarded SpaceX contracts for Crew-15, Crew-16, and Crew-17, locking in astronaut transport to the International Space Station through the end of the decade. The deals, worth over a...
- Man Learns Bananas Have Been Quietly Composting His Groceries For Forty Years
A Boing Boing cheat sheet published this week confirms that apples and bananas emit ethylene gas, which accelerates the ripening and decay of every other piece of produce stored near them. The...
- Navigation App Takes Mental Health Day As Man Stands In Rain Waiting For Bus
At 7:04 AM on Tuesday, Kevin Bratter of Columbus, Ohio stood on the corner of Fifth and High with his hood up, watching Google Maps enter what the app itself described, in a push notification, as...
- French Woman Crossed Three Continents On A Motorcycle Smaller Than Current Roomba
In 1973, Anne-France Dautheville rode over 20,000 miles around the world on a 125cc Kawasaki, which is a motorcycle with roughly the engine displacement of an angry lawnmower. She did this alone,...
- Eastern Brown Snake Found Coiled Between Bluey Plushie and Princess Nightlight
A Queensland snake catcher was called to a young girl's bedroom this week after an eastern brown snake, one of the most venomous animals on earth, was discovered nestled among her stuffed animals....
- British Army Pays £16M For Surveillance Drones Built Overseas, Delivered With A Union Jack Sticker
The Ministry of Defence has awarded a £16 million contract for one thousand pocket-sized surveillance drones, split across three British suppliers who, in several cases, source the actual drones...
- Someone Woke Up This Morning As The Former Slim Jim World Record Holder
Conagra Brands assembled a Slim Jim measuring 429 feet and 5.4 inches in Omaha, Nebraska, shattering the Guinness World Record for the longest meat snack in history. Guinness dispatched official...
- Startup Says Federal Backing Will Speed Up Nuclear Fuel Production, Clarifies Speed Up Is Relative
The Department of Energy has quietly thrown its support behind Nusano, a startup promising to accelerate the production of high-assay low-enriched uranium, the specialized nuclear fuel that tech...
- Rocket Expected To Complete Ten-Hour Orbit Then Fall Into Ocean As Planned This Time
SpaceX has scheduled its fourteenth Starship flight test for September 22, with the uncrewed vehicle expected to spend approximately ten hours in orbit before executing a controlled splashdown in...
- President Insists Rates Must Be 1% Or Lower, Does Not Explain What Happens At 0.9%
Following the Federal Reserve's first interest rate increase since July 2023, President Trump declared the U.S. economy is performing so exceptionally well that borrowing money should cost almost...
- Man Pays $33 For Software He Hates Because The Alternative Is Learning Something Worse
Microsoft Office Professional 2021 is currently on sale for $32.97, a discount that Boing Boing described, without irony, as a deal on software "nobody loves" in the same sentence they asked you...
- Microsoft's $200 Software Is Now $10 and the Guy Who Bought It Last Month Can't Be Reached for Comment
Microsoft is selling lifetime licenses to Windows 11 Pro for $9.97, down from its standard retail price of $199, in a deal running through September 27. The company has not issued a statement...
- Coyote Wedged In Pittsburgh Wall Gets Faster City Response Than Any 311 Call
A coyote that became lodged between two walls in a Pittsburgh alleyway on Tuesday was extracted by city wildlife officers in under six hours, setting what officials privately acknowledge may be a...
- Squirrel Attends Ohio State Game For Free, Still Needs Police Escort Out
Columbus police responded to Ohio Stadium on Saturday after a squirrel wandered into the stands during an Ohio State game and became, according to official accounts, overwhelmed. Officers located...
- Kitten Rescued From I-95 Now Has A Home Making Her More Settled Than Most Florida Adults
A five-week-old kitten found on the shoulder of a busy Florida highway last Tuesday has been adopted into a permanent home, completing a life trajectory that took less than 72 hours and required...
- Local Man Asks Church What The Prayers Of A Pretty Average Sinner Actually Availeth
Panhandle, TX resident Josh Peterson, 34, says he has been a committed Christian for most of his adult life but recently hit a theological wall after rereading James 5:16 and realizing the verse...
- Children's Bible Quietly Skips Over The Part Where Rahab Was A Prostitute
Gary, Indiana father Liam Miles was reading The Beginner's Bible to his four-year-old son Tuesday evening when he noticed that Rahab, a woman the actual Bible describes in unambiguous professional...
- Man Asking What You Do For Work Actually Conducting Live Respect Audit
Witnesses at a Scottsdale housewarming party confirmed Saturday that a man named Derek spent the entire evening asking strangers what they do for a living before visibly recalibrating his eye...
- Investigative Reporter Infiltrates Pregnancy Center, Finds Brochures and a Bowl of Hard Candy
After months of undercover investigation, BSN correspondent Dana Filmore finally breached the walls of a so-called Crisis Pregnancy Center in Dayton, Ohio, armed with a hidden camera and a...
- Two Beers In, Atlanta Man Releases Full Emotional Inventory On Friends
Sources close to Derek Paulson, 34, confirm that a single Modelo and half a Truly is all it takes before the man is narrating his entire childhood in chronological order. Friends say they now...
- Music Critic Furious Metallica Four-Minute Song Fails To Cover Every Chapter Of Hemingway Novel
A cultural essayist has published a scathing 2,400-word takedown of Metallica's 1984 track 'For Whom the Bell Tolls,' arguing the song criminally neglects the novel's nuanced portrayal of Spanish...