Culture
Fantasy Football Writer Lists His Own Decades Of Losses As Expert Credentials
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
LAS VEGAS, NV: Las Vegas Raiders tight end Brock Bowers, the consensus top tight end in fantasy football entering the 2025 season, suffered an injury this week that sent roughly four million panicked fantasy managers to the internet simultaneously, each convinced their specific roster situation was the most uniquely devastating.
They were met by an army of content.
Among the first responders was a column published Tuesday on a website called something like FantasyProEdge or ProEdgeFantasy, authored by a man identifying himself only as a person who has played fantasy football for multiple decades across dozens of leagues. This, the column made clear in the opening sentence, was the credential. The credential was losing. Repeatedly. Across a wide geographic and temporal distribution.
"You don't play dozens of fantasy football leagues every season over a span of multiple decades without learning a few things along the way," the piece began, in what legal scholars are now calling the most aggressive reframing of a losing record since a Little League coach told parents that going 2 and 14 builds character.
The column then pivoted to solutions.
Among the recommended replacements for Bowers were Dalton Kincaid, a tight end who has spent the better part of two seasons being described as "on the verge of a breakout" in columns exactly like this one, and some guy named Cole Turner, who the author admitted was only rostered in eleven percent of leagues before adding, with apparent pride, that he himself had already picked Turner up in four of his current leagues. Four leagues. Simultaneously. He is currently losing in most of them.
The column also recommended checking the waiver wire "aggressively," a tip so specific it might as well have advised fantasy managers to simply "do better."
Brock Bowers himself, for his part, is injured and presumably not reading any of this. He had been on pace for another statistically dominant season before the injury, which is the actual news buried in paragraph seven of most of the coverage about the coverage about the injury.
Readers who commented on the column were divided. Several thanked the author for "real talk." One person asked if the column had been written by AI. The author replied that it had not been written by AI, and that he had been playing fantasy football since before AI existed, which is true of almost everyone and proves nothing.
A representative for the fantasy sports industrial complex, which is not a real organization but absolutely should be, offered the following statement when reached for comment: "Our content ecosystem exists to serve the fantasy community with timely, actionable insights that empower managers to make informed decisions in moments of uncertainty." When asked what any of that meant in the context of recommending Cole Turner, the representative said they would follow up and did not.
The column has since received fourteen thousand unique visitors, a number that represents fourteen thousand people who already knew Brock Bowers was injured and were hoping someone had figured something out.
Nobody had figured something out.
Cole Turner has a bye this week.
The story we are making fun of: https://nypost.com/2026/09/11/sports/promising-fantasy-football-solutions-to-help-the-unexpected-brock-bowers-problem/