Culture
Culture dispatches from BSN Network. Satirical news, published daily.
- Finnish Film About a Squirrel Declared More Humane Than All of Outer Space
Markus Lehmusruusu's futuristic drama 'The Squirrel' has been selected as Finland's official Oscar submission, and it arrives with an endorsement from Aki Kaurismäki, the country's most celebrated...
- Reality TV Producer Sees Pending Felony Charges, Offers Two-Season Deal
Taylor Frankie Paul, who is currently navigating an active legal battle that includes charges serious enough to require an actual attorney, has been confirmed as returning to Hulu's 'The Secret...
- Music Critic Invokes Beatles Comparison, Refuses To Name The Committee That Approves These
A major new documentary about Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders has received a rapturous review, with one critic declaring that the 1979 ballad 'Kid' is 'worthy of the Beatles,' a designation that...
- Zverev Wins Grand Slam Number Two, Complicating The Inspirational Montage Situation Considerably
Alexander Zverev defeated Ben Shelton on Sunday to claim his second Grand Slam title, completing the kind of triumphant comeback arc that sports television exists to celebrate. There is, however,...
- VICE Grants Three Emo Bands a Second Life While Quietly Needing One Itself
VICE has published a listicle identifying three emo bands from the 2000s that, in VICE's considered editorial opinion, are now permitted to be culturally relevant again. The piece arrives with the...
- Man Who Paid For Kraft Massage Bans Macklemore For Insufficient Values
Robert Kraft, the 83-year-old Patriots owner and noted ethics authority, confirmed this week that he personally barred rapper Macklemore from performing at Gillette Stadium during Ed Sheeran's...
- NASA Launches Program To Confirm Its Own Satellites Are Real
The agency that put a man on the moon and a rover on Mars has announced a new initiative dedicated to verifying that its existing data is, in fact, data. The Commercial Smallsat Data Acquisition...
- Trisha Paytas At The Emmys Confirms Television Has No More Standards To Protect
The 78th Emmy Awards red carpet welcomed the full spectrum of Hollywood achievement Monday night, from HBO drama The Pitt's record-threatening 25 nominations to Trisha Paytas, a woman who became...
- VICE Publishes Exhaustive Guide To Pressing Play A Second Time
VICE, the outlet that once embedded journalists in war zones, has this week turned its editorial resources toward the discovery that two albums can be listened to in a sequence. The piece, which...
- Beach Music Festival Cancelled Because the Beach Is Gone
Ocean Way Festival, the debut coastal music event staged on the Santa Monica shoreline, has been cancelled after Hurricane Marie eroded enough of the beach that organizers could no longer locate a...
- Pink Demands Macklemore Apologize For Having Opinions At A Concert
Pop singer Pink found herself at the center of an online firestorm this week after reposting a call for rapper Macklemore to formally apologize for comments he made about Palestine from a concert...
- Man Wins Murder Trial, Gets Told To Please Remain In Prison Anyway
Chicago rapper Lil Durk was found not guilty on all counts in his high-profile murder-for-hire trial this week, celebrating what his legal team described as a complete and total victory. The judge...
- Paramount Tells 12 States They Are Not Allowed To Have Opinions About Monopolies
Paramount's lawyers filed a legal brief Friday arguing that a coalition of twelve state attorneys general simply lack the authority to have concerns about the Warner Bros. Discovery merger. The...
- Director AI-Swaps Actress Into Marilyn Monroe, Discovers Result Has No Soul, Files It Under 'Obviously'
Filmmaker Maggie Gyllenhaal has confirmed she used artificial intelligence to replace Dakota Johnson's face with Marilyn Monroe's during production of her short film, describing the experiment as...
- Actor Who Died In The Fourth Film Promises New Show Will Be Better
Gary Oldman, who played Sirius Black across four Harry Potter films before his character was killed off, has issued a bold public guarantee that HBO's upcoming Harry Potter series will be more...
- Scientists Confirm Your Body Started Falling Apart At 44 Without Telling You
A new study has identified the precise ages at which the human body begins accelerating its own destruction, and researchers say most people were completely mid-sentence when it happened. The...
- Great White Sharks Horrified To Learn They Have Siblings
A sweeping DNA study by marine research organization OCEARCH has confirmed that several tagged great white sharks swimming in open ocean are, in fact, related to each other, including three pairs...
- Fantasy Football Writer Lists His Own Decades Of Losses As Expert Credentials
Following the season-ending injury to Las Vegas Raiders tight end Brock Bowers, fantasy football analysts across the internet raced to offer replacement solutions. One writer at a mid-tier sports...
- Venice Winner Politely Asks Hollywood To Notice Congo Exists
Congolese director Machérie Ekwa Bahango won the Venice Film Festival's Final Cut prize for her film 'Madi Makambu,' then sat down with Variety to explain that Congo is, in fact, a country with...
- Bloomberg Declares New Rooftop Bar at Ground Zero Greatest Act of Defiance in American History
Former Mayor Michael Bloomberg has published a sweeping op-ed arguing that the truest memorial to the victims of September 11th is a thriving Lower Manhattan real estate market, and that every...
- VICE Publishes List of Three Songs Required Before Loving an Entire Genre
VICE has released an emergency listicle informing readers that their love of post-punk is factually invalid until they have listened to exactly three songs the editors have selected for them. The...
- Film About Psychological Horror Acquired By Company Called Bendita
International rights to a Spanish psychological horror film have been snapped up by a sales outfit whose name translates, more or less, to 'Blessed.' Industry observers are calling it the most...
- Baby Born From Embryo Frozen Since 2003 Arrives Older Than Her Own Mother Was At Conception
A Greek couple has welcomed a healthy baby girl after doctors successfully implanted an embryo that had been sitting in a freezer since 2003, making the newborn, in some meaningful biological...
- Man Listens To Boyz II Men On Repeat Until He Can Feel His Legs Again
Three days after his girlfriend of eight months left him for a guy who "just gets her," 34-year-old Derek Paulson of Columbus, Ohio, has not moved from his couch, has consumed seventeen individual...
- VICE Publishes List of Songs That Sound Like a Carpet Hallway
VICE has published a ranked listicle pairing four obscure 1990s dream pop tracks with the Backrooms, an internet horror concept defined entirely by fluorescent lighting and the smell of damp...
- NYC Schools Chief Confirms Excellence Not Actually On The Agenda This Year
The New York City Department of Education has released its back-to-school priorities for the 2025 academic year, and academic achievement does not appear on the list. Superintendent Mamdani's...
- VICE Publishes Extremely Brave Article About Linkin Park Doing Rap Stuff
In a development sources are calling 'a little late,' VICE has published a listicle identifying three early 2000s rock bands that, according to the outlet, were not afraid to blend rap and rock...
- Hunter Biden Meme Coin Wipes Out 80 Percent of Buyers While One Guy Makes a Million
Hunter Biden launched a personal meme coin this week, and four out of five people who bought it watched their money evaporate within hours of launch. One anonymous trader, however, walked away...
- SoCal Café Chain Brings Eleven Dollar Oat Milk Lattes To London
Sunterra, the Southern California café chain beloved for its $11 oat milk lattes, chakra-aligned seating charts, and staff who describe espresso the way sommeliers describe a 1987 Burgundy, has...
- Miss America Finalist Spends Weekdays Writing Speeding Tickets in Massachusetts
Thirty-year-old Kristen Lepore arrived at the Palm Beach County Convention Center Saturday night having spent the previous week on patrol in Taunton, Massachusetts, issuing citations and...
- Manhattan Bar Covered Floor To Ceiling In 7,000 First Responder Patches Refuses To Take Any Down
O'Hara's Restaurant and Pub, a bar located one block from the World Trade Center site, has spent over two decades collecting more than 7,000 patches from first responders around the world,...
- Usher's 'Confessions' Has Been Playing at Wedding Receptions This Whole Time
A new VICE list has identified three R&B songs that have been soundtracking first dances for decades despite being, lyrically, about cheating, secret children, and one man's complete emotional...
- Elizabeth Holmes Pitching New Blood Test Company From Prison Cell
Convicted Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, currently eleven years into a federal fraud sentence, is reportedly circulating a pitch deck among former investors describing a revolutionary new...
- Netflix India Exec Announces Formal Strategy To Figure Out What Indians Find Funny
Netflix India content chief Monika Shergill held a press briefing this week to announce that the streaming giant has developed a multi-year strategic framework for determining whether jokes land....
- Jane Fonda Accuses Billionaires Of Wanting To Live Forever While Killing Everyone Else
Eighty-eight-year-old Jane Fonda emerged Thursday to deliver a precise and devastating diagnosis of the American ruling class, specifically their habit of funding immortality research between...
- Democrat Calls Streamer With 4 Million Followers An Irrelevant Distraction
Rep. Jamie Raskin, a man who spent three years explaining the Constitution to people who were actively trying to hang his colleague, has issued his latest bold strategic assessment: Hasan Piker,...
- Actress Signs Letter of Intent to Star in Film Called Stink Eye
Spanish actress Ester Expósito, best known for playing morally flexible teenagers in "Elite," has formally committed to headlining a feature film whose official title is "Stink Eye." Industry...
- Denis Leary Pitched Rescue Me By Describing Finding A Piece Of His Friend
Actor and self-appointed firefighter spokesman Denis Leary has revealed that the emotional core of his FX drama Rescue Me came from watching a New York firefighter emerge from Ground Zero carrying...
- Giants Fans Optimistic For First Time Since Losing Track Of When They Stopped Being Optimistic
The New York Giants open the 2026 season under head coach John Harbaugh, and for the first time in recent memory, the fanbase is cautiously, nervously, almost apologetically hopeful. Team analysts...
- Pete Davidson Named His Daughter After His Dead Dad And Now Has To Explain That
Comedian Pete Davidson, who lost his firefighter father Scott Davidson on September 11, 2001, has confirmed he named his daughter after the FDNY hero, and is now reportedly working out exactly how...