Absurdity
Investigative Reporter Infiltrates Pregnancy Center, Finds Brochures and a Bowl of Hard Candy
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
DAYTON, OHIO. A bombshell investigative report published Tuesday by left-leaning digital outlet The Vanguard Feminist revealed the ten most terrifying things lurking inside Sunrise Women's Center, a crisis pregnancy center operating out of a converted dentist's office on Route 48. The report, written by staff correspondent Dana Filmore, promised to expose what she called "the dark infrastructure of reproductive coercion." BSN has obtained her field notes.
Number one on the list was a bowl of wrapped butterscotch candies on the reception desk. Filmore described them as "a calculated softening tactic designed to lower the guard of vulnerable visitors." The candy was, by all photographic evidence, the kind your grandmother keeps in a ceramic dish. Several pieces had fused together.
Number two was a framed cross-stitch on the waiting room wall that read "You Are Not Alone." Filmore spent two paragraphs on this, calling it "weaponized comfort language." The cross-stitch appeared to have been made by a volunteer named Carol, whose name was stitched into the lower right corner in yellow thread.
Number three was a pamphlet rack. The pamphlets covered topics including prenatal nutrition, local housing assistance, and what to expect during the first trimester. Filmore noted that none of the pamphlets mentioned abortion as an option, which is accurate, in the same way that a dentist's office does not offer you a cheeseburger.
Number four was a volunteer named Patricia, age 67, who offered Filmore a cup of decaf and asked if she needed to talk. Filmore called Patricia "a frontline operative in a network of soft-spoken interference." Patricia has since told a local Fox affiliate she just thought the young woman looked tired.
Numbers five through seven were, in order: a box of Kleenex, a children's corner with board books and a wooden bead maze, and a photograph of a baby on the wall. The baby was described in the report as "propagandistic." The baby was asleep.
Number eight was the ultrasound machine. This was the genuinely alarming entry, or at least the one Filmore treated as the climax. She called it a "tool of psychological bonding manipulation." Medical professionals call it an ultrasound machine. Both things can be true, in the sense that one of them is true.
Number nine was a list of local resources taped to the inside of a bathroom stall. Food banks, diaper programs, a number for postpartum counseling. Filmore photographed it and ran it under the headline "The Trap Is Set." The trap appeared to be a diaper program.
Number ten was a sign above the exit that read "We're Here Whenever You Need Us." Filmore described it as "perhaps the most chilling thing I encountered." She spent the closing section of the article reflecting on her own feelings about the visit, her childhood, and a difficult conversation she once had with her mother. The center was not mentioned again after paragraph fourteen.
Sunrise Women's Center director Gail Hooper, reached for comment, said the center serves around 200 women per month and has distributed over 40,000 diapers in the last year. Her publicist, who does not exist because she is a nonprofit director in Dayton, was unavailable.
The Vanguard Feminist called the piece "essential accountability journalism." It received 340,000 shares. Carol the cross-stitcher has not been informed she is in a national news story.
The butterscotch candies were later confirmed to be the Werther's Original variety, which some experts consider the most dangerous kind.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/10-most-terrifying-things-inside-one-of-those-dangerous-right-wing-pregnancy-centers/