Politics
Man Gives Speech, Audience Responds With A Different Year
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
DALLAS, TX -- Vice President JD Vance delivered the closing keynote at the Republican National Committee's annual convention Thursday evening, a speech described by attendees as "powerful," "inspiring," and "a great preview of 2028," which is a year that begins in approximately forty-eight months and will be preceded by an entire presidential term that the crowd appeared to regard as a scheduling inconvenience.
The speech was interrupted multiple times by chants of "48," a number that refers to the 48th president of the United States, a position that does not currently exist, is not currently being contested, and for which Vance has not announced any intention to seek. Vance responded to the chants by smiling and gesturing for the crowd to settle down, which the crowd interpreted as confirmation.
It is worth noting, for anyone keeping track, that Vance is the sitting Vice President of the United States. He took office in January. The administration he serves has been in power for less than a year. The Republican Party, which spent the better part of a decade explaining that it was not the party of impatience, has apparently decided that one calendar year is a reasonable runway before mentally promoting someone.
Former Fox News host and current podcast circuit fixture Tucker Carlson, attending as a guest, told reporters in the hallway that Vance "has what it takes" and that the energy in the room was "historic," before adding, unprompted, that he thought Vance would be "the obvious choice when the time comes," and then nodding slowly in the way a person nods when they believe they have just said something that will be quoted for decades. Carlson did not specify what "the time" referred to, or whether it overlapped with the current administration still being in office.
Delegates from Ohio, Vance's home state, arrived at the convention wearing buttons that read "Vance 2028" alongside buttons that read "Trump-Vance 2024," which is a combination of accessories that describes a man who is both indispensable to the present and already being replaced in the future, which is the kind of job review most people only receive on their way out the door.
A delegate from Tulsa named Randy Whitmore told a reporter he was "not saying anything against the President" before immediately saying something that implied the President's best contribution to the Republican Party might be getting out of the way efficiently. "We love Trump, always will," Whitmore said. "But you gotta start thinking ahead." He is currently thinking four years and forty-eight months and one full midterm election ahead, while standing in a convention center where the current administration's achievements were being listed on a forty-foot screen behind him.
Vance himself gave a speech that, by most accounts, was coherent, energetic, and carefully structured to say nothing that could be used against him in a primary that has not started. He praised the President. He praised the base. He praised America in the general, sweeping sense that requires no follow-up. He did not mention 2028. The crowd mentioned it for him, repeatedly, as though they were doing him a favor he had not asked for, like a parent RSVPing to a party on behalf of an adult child.
The Republican Party, which controls the White House, the Senate, and the House of Representatives, celebrated this moment of total institutional dominance by spending most of Thursday evening discussing who should be in charge next.
Vance, to his credit, took the chants in stride. He has, after all, been in politics long enough to understand that the base's attention span is not a character flaw. It is a feature they are very proud of.
The 2028 Republican primary field, as of Thursday night, consists of one person who has not declared, being cheered by thousands of people who have fully decided.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/6083650-vance-rnc-keynote-2028-chatter/