Culture
Man Listens To Boyz II Men On Repeat Until He Can Feel His Legs Again
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
COLUMBUS, Ohio. Derek Paulson, 34, a mid-level logistics coordinator and former boyfriend, announced to no one in particular on Wednesday that he was "going through something" and that the process would require the complete discography of at least four 90s R&B acts and an unspecified number of days in which he would not be held accountable for his nutrition.
The breakup occurred last Saturday at approximately 6:40 p.m., which Paulson describes as "the cruelest possible time because it was too late for lunch and too early to call it a night cry."
His ex-girlfriend, who asked not to be named, confirmed only that she had, in fact, left him, and that she was "fine, honestly."
Paulson is not fine, honestly.
By Sunday morning he had constructed what mental health professionals would not call a treatment plan but what Paulson himself refers to as "the program." It begins with TLC's "Waterfalls," which he selected because, in his words, "it's about listening and I did not listen." It moves into Brandy's "Have You Ever," which he plays twice, once for the sadness and once for what he calls "the reminder sadness."
The third slot belongs to Boyz II Men's "End of the Road," which has now been played forty-two times. Paulson maintains that he is not stuck. He is, he says, "deepening."
"I'm not on repeat," he told this reporter through a partially opened door while holding a string cheese he had not yet opened. "I'm on a journey that keeps returning to the same emotional landmark because I haven't processed past it yet. That's different."
It is not clear that it is different.
The program concludes, theoretically, with En Vogue's "Don't Let Go," which Paulson has not yet reached because he has not finished deepening. The song has been queued since Monday. It sits there. Waiting. Like his ex-girlfriend's half-empty bottle of conditioner, which he has moved to three different locations in the apartment and cannot bring himself to throw away or use.
Paulson's neighbor, a 28-year-old woman named Carla, said she became aware of the situation when the bass from "End of the Road" began traveling through her bathroom wall at 2 a.m. on Tuesday. She said she did not knock because she "recognized what was happening" and left a sleeve of Oreos outside his door instead.
"It was the respectful thing," she said. "You don't interrupt the program."
When asked whether he believed the music was helping, Paulson considered the question for a long time.
"I cried during 'Waterfalls' in a way that felt really complete," he said. "Like a full cry. Both nostrils. I think that's progress."
A spokesperson for the Boyz II Men official fan page, reached by email, said the group is "grateful their music continues to provide comfort during life's most difficult moments" and declined to comment on the specific nasal details.
Paulson says he expects to reach "Don't Let Go" by Thursday, at which point he will shower.
The conditioner remains on the windowsill.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.vice.com/en/article/4-90s-rb-classics-thatll-help-you-get-through-a-breakup/