Sports
Man Paid To Watch Football For A Living Still Believes In Jameis Winston
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
CBS Sports analyst Pete Prisco published his Week 3 NFL picks this week, a column that includes the Cleveland Browns upsetting the Carolina Panthers, the Jacksonville Jaguars defeating the New England Patriots, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers over the Minnesota Vikings, and, tucked in there like a live grenade wrapped in a bow, the New York Giants rallying behind Jameis Winston.
Rallying. Behind Jameis Winston. That sentence was written by a human adult with internet access and a public platform.
For those keeping score at home, Jameis Winston is a quarterback who has thrown more interceptions than some people have had hot meals, who once threw five touchdowns and five interceptions in the same game and apparently decided that was a personality, and who is now being described by a professional football analyst as the man to lead a rally. The Giants. Rallying. Jameis.
Prisco, who has been covering the NFL since before some of these quarterbacks were born, released his full Week 3 slate with the confidence of a man who has never once been haunted by a previous prediction. The Browns pick is particularly bold, given that both the Browns and the Panthers are currently in a heated competition to see which franchise can make their fan base feel worse about themselves by Thanksgiving.
The Jaguars over the Patriots pick is the kind of call that sounds reasonable until you remember that both of these teams inspire the same feeling you get when you realize you left your phone at a restaurant that has already closed.
Reached for comment, Prisco told a reporter, "I like what I see from Winston. He's a guy who can take over a game." He then apparently did not clarify which team's game he meant.
The Bucs over the Vikings pick is the one that will age the worst, statistically speaking, because Minnesota has a roster and Tampa is currently operating on vibes and a prayer that the offensive line holds together long enough for someone to get a first down before the building catches fire.
Sports media has spent twenty years developing increasingly sophisticated analytical tools, tracking data, pressure rates, air yards, route efficiency, defensive coverage grades, all of it available in real time, all of it accessible to every analyst in the business. Pete Prisco looked at all of that, looked at Jameis Winston, and typed the word rally.
The column has already received thousands of clicks.
Jameis Winston has not yet responded, presumably because he is busy studying film of himself throwing to the wrong team.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/priscos-week-3-nfl-picks-browns-upset-panthers-giants-rally-behind-jameis-winston/