Politics
Man Under Federal Investigation Launches Investigation Into Computers For Being Too Thirsty
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
AUSTIN, Texas -- Ken Paxton, the Texas Attorney General who has been the subject of a federal corruption investigation, an impeachment trial, an FBI inquiry, a securities fraud indictment, and at least one extremely long Wikipedia section titled "Legal Troubles," announced this week that he is now investigating hundreds of data centers across the state for using too much water.
The investigation is real. Paxton sent formal demands to data center operators requesting detailed records on water consumption used to cool their servers. His office framed this as a defense of Texas's natural resources. His office did not address the irony. His office almost never does.
Data centers do use significant amounts of water. A large facility can consume millions of gallons annually running the cooling systems that keep servers from melting, which is a genuine issue in a state that is both increasingly arid and increasingly full of data centers processing the prompts of people asking AI to write their emails for them. The concern, on its own, is not unreasonable.
The concern, delivered by Ken Paxton, is something else entirely.
Paxton was impeached by the Texas House in 2023 on charges including bribery, abuse of office, and obstruction. He was acquitted by the Texas Senate, which many observers noted was the most expensive way possible to establish that Ken Paxton is still Ken Paxton. The federal securities fraud case against him settled in 2024. He paid a fine and admitted no wrongdoing, which is the legal equivalent of leaving a restaurant after eating everything on the table and telling the waiter the food was fine.
Elon Musk's xAI, Google, Meta, and Microsoft all operate or are building large data facilities in Texas, meaning Paxton has effectively sent a questionnaire to four of the most litigious companies on earth asking them to explain their drinking habits. Legal analysts described this as brave. One described it as something else and then asked not to be quoted.
"Texas families and businesses depend on clean, reliable water," Paxton said in a statement, which is true, and which has the quality of a man who has been caught doing several things citing the importance of honesty.
The timing is notable. Paxton is eyeing a Senate run to challenge incumbent John Cornyn, and Republican primary voters in Texas currently want two things: someone who is hard on the federal government, and someone who is hard on the tech companies that moved to Texas and then started lecturing Texas. Investigating data centers for water use hits both without requiring Paxton to have a position on anything that could later be used in a deposition.
Data center operators, for their part, declined to comment with the energy of people who have already called their attorneys and been told to decline to comment.
Texas consumed approximately 26 billion gallons of water last year in agriculture. The data centers under investigation account for a fraction of a percent of statewide water use. Paxton's office did not include this figure in its press release, which, again, his office almost never does.
The servers will probably survive the inquiry. They have redundant power, redundant cooling, redundant legal teams, and the quiet confidence of things that know they are not going anywhere. Ken Paxton has all of those things too, more or less, and that is probably why this feels so familiar to everyone involved.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.newsweek.com/texas-senate-ken-paxton-james-talarico-data-centers-12485890