Culture
Man Who Paid For Kraft Massage Bans Macklemore For Insufficient Values
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
Robert Kraft, the billionaire owner of the New England Patriots and a man whose Wikipedia page contains a section that required its own legal proceedings, announced this week that he has personally barred rapper Macklemore from performing at Gillette Stadium during Ed Sheeran's ongoing Boston residency. The reason, Kraft explained in a prepared statement, is his lifelong commitment to ensuring that events at his venue do not provide a platform for hate speech.
The statement did not define hate speech. It did not need to. Robert Kraft has a stadium, and that is definition enough.
Macklemore, who spent the better part of the last year releasing openly pro-Palestinian music, including a song called Hind's Hall that was performed at college protest encampments across the country, had been scheduled to open several of the Sheeran dates. He is now not scheduled for anything at Gillette, following what Kraft's office described as a values assessment, which is the kind of phrase that sounds like an HR initiative and lands like a restraining order.
Ed Sheeran, a man who once sued someone over four chords and lost, has not commented publicly. He is performing eight sold-out shows at Gillette Stadium this summer, a run that requires the goodwill of exactly one person, and that person has spoken.
Kraft's statement read, in part: "The New England Patriots organization has a long and unwavering commitment to our community and to ensuring that all events held at our venue do not provide a platform for hate speech or actions that run counter to our values." The words "our values" appeared twice in three sentences, which is the written equivalent of someone straightening their tie after they've already said something they can't take back.
Senator Ted Cruz, who was not asked, called the decision courageous on social media within the hour. This is the kind of endorsement that a reasonable person might want to pause and reconsider.
What makes the situation so cinematically rich is the specific moral authority being claimed. Robert Kraft, who in 2019 was charged with soliciting prostitution at a Florida day spa, who retained a team of attorneys to argue that the surveillance footage was inadmissible, and who eventually saw the charges dropped on procedural grounds, has now positioned himself as the last line of defense between a Boston arena and a rapper who made a song about Gaza. The man bought his way into the NFL, negotiated his way out of a criminal charge, and has chosen the Macklemore question as the hill on which to plant his values flag.
The flag is enormous. It has a Patriots logo on it.
A spokesperson for Kraft confirmed that the decision was made after a thorough review, and that Gillette Stadium remains committed to hosting world-class entertainment in a safe and welcoming environment. Macklemore's representatives did not respond to requests for comment, possibly because there is nothing to say to a person who owns the building.
Macklemore, for his part, posted on Instagram that he was disappointed but not surprised, which is the most Macklemore sentence imaginable and does not require further annotation.
The real tragedy, commercially speaking, belongs to Ed Sheeran, who came to Boston to sell tickets and ended up inside a geopolitical incident staged by an octogenarian who buys football teams the way other men buy weekend homes. Eight shows. Sold out. And somehow the headline is about a values assessment.
The opening slot will reportedly be filled by another artist. Whoever it is, they have already passed the review.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/macklemore-dropped-ed-sheeran-tour-robert-kraft-statement-1235626352/