Sports
Michael Penix Jr. Ends Green Bay's 13-Year Home Streak Still Under Warranty From His Surgeon
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
ATLANTA, Ga. -- Michael Penix Jr. returned from a torn ACL on Thursday night and, rather than ease himself back with a modest performance designed to protect everyone's feelings, went to Green Bay and ended a 13-year home-opening winning streak that the Packers organization had apparently been storing under glass.
The streak dated back to 2012, which means it survived Aaron Rodgers leaving, Jordan Love arriving, and at least three different iterations of Green Bay fans explaining to national media why their quarterback situation is actually fine.
Penix, who spent a significant portion of last year in physical therapy learning to descend stairs without whimpering, was apparently not briefed on the emotional significance of what he was walking into. Or he was briefed and did not care, which is somehow worse for Green Bay.
Bijan Robinson and Drake London were not stopped. This is the polite way of saying the Packers' defense was present in the same way a crossing guard is present when a truck runs the light: technically there, doing everything right on paper, completely ineffective.
Robinson ran through Green Bay like he had somewhere important to be. London caught passes with the relaxed confidence of a man who has already seen the final score and is just going through the motions for the broadcast.
Atlanta head coach Raheem Morris described the performance afterward as, quote, "a statement," which is the word coaches use when what they actually want to say is "I told you so" but there are cameras in the room.
Penix himself was asked about returning from the injury and said he never doubted himself, which is either genuinely inspiring or the most airtight sentence a man has ever constructed to avoid talking about what a torn ACL actually feels like at three in the morning. He said it with the face of someone who has made a decision not to acknowledge suffering as a public concept, and it worked.
The Packers, for their part, have not commented on what specifically went wrong, which is the clearest possible signal that they know exactly what went wrong and are not ready to say it in a room with microphones.
Green Bay had won every home opener since 2012. They had done it through coaching changes, roster overhauls, a quarterback controversy that consumed four consecutive offseasons, and one particularly grim stretch where their offensive line looked like it had been assembled through a workplace raffle.
All of it survived. Penix's ACL did not. And then Penix came back and the streak did not.
Somewhere in Green Bay tonight a man is staring at his Lambeau field tickets from last year's home opener, then at his television, then back at the tickets. He is doing the math. The math is not helping him.
The Falcons, meanwhile, flew home having beaten a team that had not lost this specific game in over a decade, led by a quarterback who was not walking correctly this time last year. The surgeon who repaired the knee has not commented. He should probably say something.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/50023295/nfl-green-bay-packers-atlanta-falcons-jordan-love-michael-penix