New York City
NYPD Issues Statement Clarifying Which Gunshot Wound Is Not Theirs
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NEW YORK, NY, Marble Hill, a neighborhood that sits at the northern tip of Manhattan and has never once been described as a flashpoint for anything, became the site of a federal shooting encounter Thursday, after agents from an unspecified federal law enforcement agency shot a person during what authorities described as an "encounter," which is the word you use when you would like the sentence to end there.
The individual is conscious and receiving treatment at a hospital, which federal officials have not commented on because they are very busy having not commented on anything.
Within hours, the New York City Police Department issued a statement confirming that its officers were not involved in the shooting. No one had asked.
The statement, described by sources familiar with interdepartmental communication as "technically accurate," arrived before any official account of what the federal agents were doing in Marble Hill, who they were looking for, what the encounter consisted of, or why it escalated to the point where a person required a hospital.
"We want to be clear," said an NYPD spokesperson, according to a statement that contained no other clarity whatsoever. "Our officers were not present and played no role in this incident." The spokesperson then left the room in the practiced way of a man who has answered a question nobody asked and intends to keep it that way.
Local resident Dennis Pruitt, 54, said he heard the commotion from his apartment and initially assumed the NYPD was involved because that is the assumption a person forms over fifty-four years of living in New York City. He was, apparently, wrong, and he would like that noted.
"I didn't know the feds were even out here," Pruitt said. "I thought they only came to Marble Hill for the bodega on 225th, same as everyone else."
The federal agency involved has not been identified, which is either standard protocol or a sign that the agency itself is still working out the answer internally, possibly in a conference call where everyone is on mute.
The NYPD has a long institutional tradition of issuing statements clarifying what it did not do, a practice that legal observers say has grown more efficient over the years, to the point where the department can now disclaim involvement in an incident before the incident has been fully described by anyone, including the people who were there.
The man who was shot remained at the hospital in conscious condition, which doctors confirmed is the better of the two conditions available to a person who has been shot. He has not issued a statement. The NYPD noted that this, too, was not their doing.
The story we are making fun of: https://gothamist.com/news/person-shot-during-encounter-with-federal-agents-in-nycs-marble-hill-nypd-says