Sports
Packers Lose WR And RT On Consecutive Plays, Remaining Roster Pretending To Stretch
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
GREEN BAY, Wis. -- On Sunday afternoon, the Green Bay Packers achieved something that most professional football teams work very hard to avoid: they lost a wide receiver and an offensive tackle on consecutive plays, back to back, as if the franchise had entered some kind of speed round of injuries and was trying to set a personal best.
Wide receiver Jayden Reed went first. Then right tackle Zach Bako-Bewele went second. Two plays. Two carts. One offensive coordinator standing on the sideline with the expression of a man who just watched both his carry-on bags get lost before the plane even boarded.
Reed, who was having a productive season, left the field under circumstances that the team described as "we are evaluating him," which is the medical equivalent of the spinning wheel on a frozen laptop. Bako-Bewele followed him approximately ninety seconds later, completing what can only be called a two-for-one deal that nobody asked for.
Jordan Love, who has already spent enough of his young career throwing to people who are actively unavailable, reportedly took a long drink of water and said nothing. This is how quarterbacks go gray at twenty-six.
Packers head coach Matt LaFleur addressed the situation with the carefully calibrated calm of a man who has trained himself not to throw headsets. "We're going to have to adapt," LaFleur said. "The guys who step in have been preparing for this. We have full confidence in our depth." He then used the word 'depth' two more times in the same sentence, which is what coaches do when they mean the opposite of depth.
The Packers depth chart at wide receiver now reads like a group project where Reed was the only person who showed up to the meetings. The depth chart at right tackle reads like a hostage negotiation.
Statistically, losing two starters on consecutive plays is not impossible. It is, however, the kind of thing that happens and then immediately becomes the first thing mentioned when people discuss whether your offensive line is, medically speaking, load-bearing. The Green Bay offensive line has been a topic of polite concern for three seasons. Sunday moved it from "polite concern" to "someone should probably tell someone."
A source described the sideline atmosphere after the second cart as "very quiet, except for a lot of guys doing lunges who were not going in the game."
Reed's injury timeline is unknown. Bako-Bewele's injury timeline is also unknown. What is known is that the Packers now enter next week's schedule with a receiving corps that has been meaningfully reorganized by physics, and an offensive line that is being held together by good intentions and whoever was standing closest when the coach looked up.
The remaining Packers roster members were unavailable for comment, primarily because they were all staring at their cleats and focusing very hard on their breathing.
Love has the rest of the season to go.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/49990499/packers-wr-reed-rt-bako-bewele-carted-injuries