Absurdity
Red State Bans History Books Mentioning Anything That Happened in the Past
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- The Tennessee legislature passed the Historically Forward Education Act on Tuesday, a sweeping education reform bill that prohibits any public school classroom material from referencing events that took place before the current school day, on the grounds that such events are, in the legislature's phrasing, "historically burdensome."
The bill passed 67 to 31. Both the 67 and the 31 are now legally inadmissible in a Tennessee classroom.
Rep. Dale Fritsch (R-Cookeville), the bill's primary sponsor, called the legislation "a proud step forward for Tennessee children, who deserve an education unburdened by the weight of things that already happened."
When a reporter asked Fritsch to elaborate on which historical events, specifically, had burdened the children of Tennessee, Fritsch said "all of them," and then added "chronologically."
The Department of Education began notifying school districts Wednesday morning. By noon, officials in Shelby County had identified a problem: the textbooks currently in use contain a chapter called "How To Use This Textbook," which references the table of contents, which was written before today. The chapter has been quarantined pending legal review.
The bill defines "historical content" as any material describing "a sequence of events in which one event preceded another," a definition broad enough to cover the American Civil War, the recipe on the back of a box of cornbread mix, and every math word problem in which a train left Chicago at any point.
The state's standardized math curriculum was suspended Thursday morning while attorneys determine whether subtraction implies a past.
Gov. Bill Hendricks signed the bill into law at a ceremony Wednesday afternoon, using a fountain pen that his office later confirmed was manufactured in 2019. The pen has been referred to the state ethics board.
"We are not anti-education," Gov. Hendricks said at the signing. "We are pro-future. And the future begins now. Or, technically, slightly after now. We are still working out the exact timestamp with counsel."
The signing ceremony was photographed, recorded, and uploaded to the governor's official website, where it now constitutes a historical document the state of Tennessee cannot legally teach. The governor's communications director said the video would remain online but would be reclassified as "aspirational content."
Several school districts have already begun adapting. A Williamson County elementary school sent parents a letter explaining that the school year would henceforth begin fresh each morning, with no reference to what was covered the previous day. The letter described this approach as "immersive" and "innovative" and noted that it would have "no impact on Advanced Placement scores," which is the kind of sentence you write when you know it will have an enormous impact on Advanced Placement scores.
The state's teachers union filed an emergency injunction Friday, arguing that teaching without reference to prior lessons is "not pedagogy, it is amnesia with a lesson plan." A Davidson County judge agreed in principle but noted that his own ruling now constituted a prior event and asked both parties to return Monday with a fresh complaint.
In the state senate, one member attempted to argue against the bill by citing the last time Tennessee passed a similar bill, in 2021. He was ruled out of order. He then attempted to cite the ruling itself. He was ruled out of order again. He then sat down, which his colleagues agreed was at minimum a defensible position under the new statute.
Rep. Fritsch, reached for comment Friday afternoon, said he was confident the bill would survive legal challenge.
"History," he said, "has never done anything for us."
He did not appear to see the problem with that sentence.
School resumes Monday. Students are advised to bring pencils, an open mind, and no memory whatsoever of having attended school before.
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