Absurdity
Red State Outlaws Compassion for Refugees Near State Borders
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
CAPITOL CITY, HARLAN. Governor Dale Prewitt signed the Border Community Integrity Act into law Tuesday morning in a ceremony held at the state capitol, flanked by four flags and a man whose job nobody in the room could identify.
The law makes it a Class C misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of up to $1,200 or 30 days in county jail, to provide food, shelter, blankets, medical assistance, or what the bill terms "unsolicited emotional validation" to undocumented migrants within a 40-mile radius of any Harlan state line. Harlan does not share a border with any country. It shares borders with six other states, all of which passed nearly identical bills last session.
"This is about protecting the character of our border communities," Governor Prewitt said at the signing. "The people of Harlan did not move here to watch their neighbors hand granola bars to people they have never met. That is not a value. That is a habit. And habits can be broken."
He then signed the bill with a pen that said "God Bless America" on the side and handed it to his chief of staff, who placed it in a shadow box.
The law's enforcement mechanism falls to the Harlan Department of Border Prosperity, a nine-person office created six weeks ago whose previous mandate was to produce a quarterly newsletter about international trade opportunities. Deputy Director Colt Fineman, who runs the office out of a building that still has a Subway franchise sign above the door, said his team is ready.
"We're going to approach this with professionalism and proportionality," Fineman said. "If I personally saw somebody drowning in a ditch I would absolutely pull them out. I'm a human being. But the statute is pretty clear about what happens next, which is that I'd have to cite myself, and honestly that would be a learning experience for everyone."
Fineman added that the department is still waiting on guidance about whether making eye contact with a refugee constitutes "emotional reassurance" under the act's definitions, and that until that guidance arrives, officers are encouraged to "use their discretion and maybe just look at their phone."
The bill passed the Harlan House 71 to 28, with one abstention from Representative Donna Caudle, who was in the bathroom.
Critics have noted that the 40-mile exclusion zone covers, depending on which border you measure from, the cities of Prewitt Falls, which is named after the governor's grandfather, and New Comstock, which contains Harlan's only functioning refugee resettlement office, a Catholic diocese, and a Waffle House that has been feeding people without asking questions since 1987.
The Waffle House has not commented. It never does.
Supporting the legislation was Americans for Border Clarity, a nonprofit whose website was registered in February and whose listed address is a UPS Store in a suburb of Dallas. The group's executive director, Brad Hulse, said the bill sends a message.
"It sends a message," Hulse said.
Opponents of the bill held a protest outside the capitol that drew roughly 60 people, a news van, and a golden retriever wearing a sign that said "COMPASSION IS NOT A CRIME." The dog was not cited, though Fineman confirmed his office is reviewing the applicable statutes.
Governor Prewitt, asked whether he was concerned the law might be unconstitutional, said he had not read the Constitution recently but that he felt good about where things were headed.
The law takes effect in 90 days. The state has already budgeted $340,000 for signage.
The signs will read: "You Are Now Entering A Compassion-Free Zone. Thank You For Visiting Harlan."
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.
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