Absurdity
Red State Outlaws Birth Control, Recommends 'Strong Moral Resolve' Instead
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NASHVILLE, TN, The Tennessee General Assembly voted 71 to 28 Tuesday to ban the sale, distribution, and prescription of all contraceptive medications and devices within state lines, directing residents to manage their reproductive outcomes through what the bill describes as 'strong moral resolve, personal discipline, and the grace of God, in that order.'
The legislation, known as the Sanctity of Natural Consequence Act, takes effect in 90 days. It does not define 'strong moral resolve.' It does include a glossary, but 'strong moral resolve' is not in it. The glossary contains one entry: 'abstinence,' defined as 'the correct choice.'
Governor Bill Hargrove signed the bill at a ceremony Thursday morning, calling it 'a historic day for families, for faith, and for the human spirit's capacity to simply want things less.' He was flanked by fourteen state legislators, two pastors, and a pharmacist who had driven three hours to the capitol and appeared to be in physical pain.
The bill's primary sponsor, State Representative Dale Chumley, told reporters afterward that the science on willpower is 'extremely settled,' citing a 1987 pamphlet from the Southern Baptist Convention that he described as 'basically peer reviewed.' The pamphlet, which features a drawing of a lighthouse on the cover, recommends cold showers, scripture memorization, and what it calls 'redirect activities,' a category that includes woodworking and competitive checkers.
The same legislative session that passed the Sanctity of Natural Consequence Act also approved a $4.2 million expansion grant for the Tennessee Men's Vitality and Wellness Center, a Knoxville clinic specializing in testosterone therapy and erectile dysfunction treatment. Representative Chumley did not see a contradiction. 'Those are two completely separate categories of medicine,' he said. 'One is about defeating temptation. The other is about honoring your marriage.'
The Tennessee Department of Health announced it will stand up a new Moral Wellness Division by January, staffed by 'trained resolve counselors' who will offer 15-minute phone consultations to residents with questions about the new policy. The division has a budget of $340,000, which works out to roughly one counselor, working part-time, located in a building the state already owns and describes in internal documents as 'the annex with the smell.'
Dr. Patricia Foley, an OB-GYN at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, said the policy will have immediate consequences for patients managing endometriosis, hormonal disorders, and a range of conditions treated with contraceptive medication. 'Strong moral resolve does not regulate estrogen,' she said. 'I've looked.'
Foley added that Tennessee already ranks in the bottom five states for maternal mortality, a detail she said she had brought to the legislature's attention in writing, twice, and which she described as 'clearly not the vibe they were going for.'
Several pharmacies in Memphis and Knoxville confirmed they had already begun pulling affected products from shelves, though at least one Walgreens in Chattanooga was still selling a six-month supply of oral contraceptives as of Thursday afternoon, which a store manager attributed to 'a miscommunication' and which a regional vice president attributed to 'the manager in Chattanooga.'
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists called the law 'medically indefensible.' The Family Research Council called it 'a strong first step.' Representative Chumley called it 'a beginning,' and said he was already drafting a follow-up bill that would require resolve counselors to have at least eight hours of training, up from the current requirement, which is none.
The lighthouse pamphlet is available at all Tennessee DMV locations, free of charge, while supplies last.
Supplies are not expected to last.
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