Politics
Rey Mysterio Listed As Miracle For Showing Up To Fight Omos Voluntarily
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
MEXICO CITY, Mexico. Triplemania 34 Night 1, the flagship event of Lucha Libre AAA Worldwide, takes place Saturday at Arena Ciudad de Mexico, and the main event is, on paper, a professional wrestling match. On every other surface, it is a vertical measurement problem with a referee.
Rey Mysterio, who is 52 years old, five feet and six inches tall, and a legitimate WWE Hall of Famer, has agreed to stand in a ring and be approached by Omos, who is seven feet and three inches tall, weighs approximately 400 pounds, and has the energy of a building that recently became sentient and is annoyed about it. The height difference between these two men is 21 inches. The average golden retriever is 24 inches tall. This is contextually important.
Corey Graves, broadcasting the event, described Mysterio as a 'miracle,' and he was not wrong, in the same way that a doctor saying 'remarkable' about your cholesterol is not technically a compliment. Graves delivered the line with what witnesses described as genuine awe, which is either the mark of a great broadcaster or a man who has decided to simply narrate whatever he is looking at rather than ask the questions a reasonable person would ask.
'Rey Mysterio is a miracle,' Graves reportedly said, before continuing to describe the matchup in terms that suggested he had made peace with what he was seeing. Sources close to the broadcast indicate Graves also used the words 'legend,' 'icon,' and, at one point, 'physically present,' though the last one may have been aspirational.
Miraculously, Mysterio is not doing this alone. His son, Dominik Mysterio, will be present at ringside, in his father's corner, which is the professional wrestling equivalent of a family member accompanying you to a doctor's appointment because nobody thinks you should be there by yourself. Dominik's specific role has not been formally announced, but analysts suggest it involves being tall enough to be visible should Rey need to be located during the match.
Dominik Mysterio, for his part, issued a statement through his representatives this week that read: 'My father is a legend and I'll be there every step of the way.' He did not specify which steps, or whose, or at what pace, which most people took as a reasonable hedge given the circumstances.
Omos, meanwhile, has not issued a statement about Rey Mysterio being a miracle, because Omos is seven feet and three inches tall and does not have to issue statements. He simply has to arrive. Several structural engineers have confirmed the ring is rated for the encounter, though one added, off the record, that she said the same thing about a building once and prefers not to revisit the memory.
For those who have followed Mysterio's career, the matchup is not entirely surprising. The man has built a 35-year legacy on the foundational premise that he will accept any fight regardless of the dimensional gap involved, a business model that has worked so consistently it now reads as a personality disorder in the most affectionate possible sense. He has been described as 'small but mighty,' 'the ultimate underdog,' and, apparently, a miracle, which is a word that in sports typically means 'we were not expecting him to still be here and yet here he is.'
Tickets for Triplemania 34 Night 1 sold out in under 48 hours, which is either a testament to the power of lucha libre as a cultural institution or evidence that Mexico City has a very specific and deeply committed relationship with the concept of watching a small man solve a large problem in real time.
Corey Graves, reached for comment, reiterated that Mysterio is a miracle and added that he means that sincerely, which is the kind of sentence that sounds reassuring until you remember what the alternative would mean.
The match begins at 8 p.m. local time. Rey Mysterio is expected to attend.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/outkick-sports/wwe-legend-rey-mysterio-miracle-broadcaster-corey-graves-hall-famer-prepares-triplemania-34