Culture
Trump Asks Iran To Take Out Los Angeles, Iran Asks If They Want Anything From San Diego Too
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
OMAHA, NE -- At a rally in Nebraska, a state with no coastline and no particular grievance with the Pacific Ocean, President Donald Trump told an enthusiastic crowd that Iran should "take out" Los Angeles and San Diego, two American cities with a combined population of roughly four million people who did not appear to have been consulted.
California officials responded with immediate outrage, which is the correct response to a sitting president subcontracting municipal destruction to a foreign government from a landlocked parking lot. Governor Gavin Newsom called the remarks "deranged." Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass described them as "dangerous." San Diego's mayor, not to be left out, said something to the effect that this was also bad, which it was.
Jack White, the guitarist and founder of the White Stripes, a man who has headlined concerts in Los Angeles large enough to be visible from the highway, issued a statement calling Trump the "worst American of all time." This is a competitive category that includes, by most historical accounts, Aaron Burr, the inventors of the robocall, and whoever decided gas station sushi was a viable business model. White won the argument on volume alone.
"The president's remarks were a sincere expression of his frustration with California's leadership," said a spokesperson who was not identified by name, possibly out of personal shame. "He believes strongly in holding local officials accountable through whatever mechanisms are available, including regional geopolitical outsourcing."
The remarks came during what aides described as a "fired-up portion" of the rally, a description that the cities of Los Angeles and San Diego found, upon reflection, uncomfortably literal.
Sources close to the administration confirmed that no formal communication was sent to Tehran accompanying the suggestion, which means Iran received the assignment the same way most Americans did: via news alert while sitting in traffic, which in Los Angeles takes anywhere from forty minutes to the full span of a human life.
Iran, for its part, has not publicly responded to the request. Analysts at three separate think tanks confirmed this is the first time in the post-war era that a superpower has attempted to subcontract a domestic policy dispute to a designated state sponsor of terrorism at a Nebraska county fair.
White followed his initial statement with a longer post in which he described Trump's remarks as "evil," "pathetic," and "beneath the office," three adjectives he apparently felt were not doing enough work on their own. He did not specify which of his albums he would like played at the eventual congressional hearing, but sources familiar with his catalog suggest "Seven Nation Army" remains on the table.
California has not been taken out. As of press time, both Los Angeles and San Diego continue to exist, host film premieres, complain about parking, and return Democrats to Congress at a rate that appears to be the actual source of the president's grievance.
Nebraska had no comment, which is also Nebraska's comment on most things.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/jack-white-slams-trump-iran-take-out-los-angeles-san-diego-1235638306/