Bruno Von Falken
Culture and Internet Absurdity
Culture, entertainment, celebrities and whatever the internet has decided to care about this week.
Bruno Von Falken covers culture for BSN Network, which he understands to mean celebrities, award shows, streaming platforms, and the periodic collective decisions the internet makes without consulting anybody.
He is not a critic. A critic would have to decide whether something is good. Bruno's position is that the question is beneath him and the far more interesting one is why several million people are behaving like this at the same time.
Articles by Bruno Von Falken
- Eminem Wrote A Song About Murdering Kim Then Married Her Twice
Marshall Mathers, the man who released an eight-minute track called "Kim" in which he fantasised in considerable audio detail about killing his wife, has married that same wife twice. VICE has...
- Kevin Sorbo Spends Saturday Refreshing His Own Wikipedia Page In A Bathrobe
Kevin Sorbo, the man who once body-slammed the Hydra in a muscle shirt and made it look like cardio, sat down to share his weekend routine with us, and it turns out the life of a Hollywood outlaw...
- Netflix Used AI on 300 Films and Wants You to Know It Really Values the Human Touch
At the Busan International Film Festival, Netflix revealed it has deployed artificial intelligence in some capacity on roughly 300 of its titles. On the same panel, director Kang Yoon-sung...
- Wim Wenders Joins Fashion Documentary As The Man Who Agreed To Just Watch
Wim Wenders, director of 'Wings of Desire' and three decades of visually transcendent cinema, has signed on to a new feature documentary about photographer Peter Lindbergh in the role of executive...
- Scooby-Doo Earned $275 Million Worldwide and Matthew Lillard Had To Sell His House
Matthew Lillard, who played Shaggy in the 2002 live-action 'Scooby-Doo' films, has revealed that after the sequel flopped he sold his house, downsized his family's life, and spent several years...
- Pete Hegseth Calls Livestreaming a Firing Squad Execution a No Brainer
The Pentagon announced this week that the public will be able to watch the firing squad execution of Nidal Hasan, the Army psychiatrist who killed 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, via a...
- Man Runs College For Half A Century, Undone By Jeffrey Epstein's Contacts List
Leon Botstein, who served as president of Bard College for fifty years and conducted orchestras on three continents, stepped down from his remaining board roles this week after an email connecting...
- Space Station Finally Gets Solar Panels HOAs Won't Let You Have
SpaceX is scheduled to deliver the final set of International Space Station Roll-Out Solar Arrays to the ISS this week, completing an upgrade that required 35 separate cargo missions to pull off....
- Broncos Plan To Replace Offensive Coordinator With Wristband And A Prayer
The Denver Broncos offense has scored fewer than 20 points in three of their first four games, and team leadership has reportedly informed offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi that his continued...
- Joel Embiid Earns $47 Million A Year And Just Discovered Fiber
The Philadelphia 76ers center has granted his annual pre-season wellness profile, this time revealing a dramatic dietary overhaul that insiders are calling the most significant personnel move the...
- Trump Asks Iran To Take Out Los Angeles, Iran Asks If They Want Anything From San Diego Too
At a campaign rally in Nebraska, President Donald Trump suggested Iran should 'take out' Los Angeles and San Diego, prompting California officials to respond with the level of fury typically...
- Mike Flanagan Is Desperate To Adapt The Dark Tower Which Already Exists As A Film Nobody Survived
Horror director Mike Flanagan has announced he is "desperate" to tackle a Dark Tower adaptation, apparently operating under the assumption that the 2017 Idris Elba version was a dream several...
- AI Cures Cancer in 2045 and Charges $47 for the McRib Today
Jon Stewart used the latest episode of The Daily Show to ask, with what television professionals call his 'bewildered dad' face, why no one in power seems interested in slowing down artificial...
- Prince William's Feelings Are Now Officially Managed By Piers Morgan
According to Piers Morgan, Prince William is currently "incandescent with anger" at Prince Harry, which raises the immediate question of how Piers Morgan knows what the future King of England...
- John Oliver Raised $3 Million For Charity Then Spent It On Russell Crowe's Jockstrap
Last Week Tonight host John Oliver confirmed this week that he has repurchased a jockstrap worn by Russell Crowe in Cinderella Man, originally donated to the last remaining Blockbuster Video in...
- Man Arrested Over Epstein Files Sues Police For Looking Through His Stuff
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, arrested earlier this year on suspicion of misconduct in public office following the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, has launched legal action against Thames...
- Alexander Skarsgård Plays Mr. Charm So Well The Rolling Stones Are Now His Backing Band
The Rolling Stones released the video for 'Mr. Charm,' the lead single off their new album 'Foreign Tongues,' and by minute two, something had gone quietly, irreversibly wrong for Mick Jagger....
- Eminem, Whose Entire Career Is Going Too Far, Worried He Went Too Far
The rapper who once released a song threatening to lock his ex-wife in a car trunk has reportedly expressed private concern that a recent diss track may have crossed a line. Sources close to the...
- SNL Asks Who Can Save The Republican Party and Lands On Pete Hegseth With A Non-Alcoholic Beer
Saturday Night Live opened its October 3rd broadcast with a cold open in which two Republican strategists desperately auditioned celebrity validators for a party described internally as 'a brand...
- BAFTA Gives Tourette's Film Seven Nominations And Its Subject A Separate Enclosure
The British Academy of Film and Television Arts has resolved the ongoing fallout from February's N-word incident at its Film Awards by nominating the documentary seven times and relocating the man...
- Robert Kraft Spends $1.2 Billion On A Stadium And Gets Upstaged By Zach Bryan's Laundry
Last year, Patriots owner Robert Kraft personally banned rapper Macklemore from performing at Gillette Stadium after Macklemore made pro-Palestinian statements onstage, calling the venue a place...
- Brad Pitt Loses Top Billing In His Own Film To A Dog Named Uber
Brad Pitt's new drama 'Heart of the Beast' opened in theaters this week, co-starring a German Shepherd named Uber in what early audiences are describing as 'the more compelling performance.' Dog...
- University Of Memphis Grad Student Designing NASA Moon Docking Ports Still Paying $900 For A Studio
NASA's 2026 National Space Technology Graduate Research Opportunities program has selected twenty graduate students across the United States to solve the hardest unsolved problems in space...
- The Snowman Shirt That Got Kids Expelled Is Now Sold at Nordstrom
In 2005, school districts across America added a cartoon snowman to the same banned-items list as pocket knives, cigarettes, and whatever Tyler had in his backpack that one Tuesday. Twenty years...
- Cornell Will Expel You For Plagiarism But Mails You A Pamphlet For The Other Thing
A new USA Today analysis found that the vast majority of sexual misconduct complaints filed at Cornell University are never investigated, and only 13% result in an expulsion or dismissal....
- Outkast, Who Misspelled Their Own Name, Now Suing Someone Else For Misspelling Theirs
The legendary Atlanta duo has filed a trademark claim against rising rapper Ovrkast, arguing that one deliberately wrong vowel is theirs and one deliberately wrong vowel is theft. A Harvard Law...
- MTV Honors Nirvana For Destroying The Stage MTV Told Them Not To Touch
Thirty-four years after threatening to pull Nirvana's slot over a song they were forbidden to play, MTV will present the band with a formal award at the 2026 VMAs for the chaos that followed. The...
- Alexander Skarsgård Gets Better Reviews As A Basket Than As A Human
The Sundance sensation 'Wicker' has officially received its first major awards buzz, with critics calling Alexander Skarsgård's performance as a custom-woven fishing basket the most emotionally...
- Taylor Swift Announces Her Next Mystery Era Which Is Identical To Her Last Four Mystery Eras
Taylor Swift has concluded 'The Life of a Showgirl' era by releasing four bonus tracks and declining to say what comes next, a move her team is calling "deliberate artistic ambiguity" and that...
- Patricia Richardson Spent Eight Years Arguing Tim Taylor Should Face Consequences Then Faced Them Herself
Taran Noah Smith, child actor and surprise keeper of Home Improvement lore, has revealed that Patricia Richardson quietly fought for years to prevent the show from becoming pure slapstick chaos,...
- Daily Wire Releases Action Film, Then Follows You To Your Car To Explain It
Ben Shapiro sat down with Mark Levin on Sunday to deliver a full-throated defense of Run Hide Fight: Infidels, the Daily Wire's new action film that Shapiro himself produced. President Trump then...
- Breitbart Discovers Pope Leo Is a Culture War Columnist With a Better Hat
James Pinkerton of Breitbart News published a column this week crediting Pope Leo XIV with quietly dismantling the French revolutionary left through what Pinkerton described as 'deeply symbolic...
- Paramount Schedules $111 Billion Merger For October 5, Pencils It In
Paramount Global confirmed Friday that its landmark $111 billion merger with Warner Bros. Discovery is proceeding, sort of, kind of, per an SEC filing that used the phrase "not yet certain" to...
- Nobody Threatening To Torch Dolly Parton's Legacy Has Ever Written Jolene
Dolly Parton's manager Danny Nozell has filed for a restraining order against her nephew Bryan Seaver, citing alleged threats to destroy the country icon's brand partnerships following her death....
- Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Tim Cook Had Dinner With Their Boss
President Trump hosted Chinese President Xi Jinping at a state dinner Thursday, and the guest list reads less like a diplomatic event and more like a quarterly review between a very large employer...
- Trump Tells Press Xi Jinping Is Personally Very Knowledgeable About Granite
Following a tour of the White House helipad on Tuesday, President Trump held an impromptu press moment in which he informed reporters that Chinese President Xi Jinping has a sophisticated...
- Ryan Murphy Describes Lea Michele As Very Enthusiastic Which Is Terrifying
Ryan Murphy announced this week that a reboot of Glee is in development and that the original cast is, in his words, "very enthusiastic" about returning. This is either the most optimistic use of...
- Dr. Dre Hired Jay-Z To Remind Him Who Dr. Dre Was
In 1999, Dr. Dre, the man who invented West Coast cool, sat down to record his long-awaited comeback album and discovered he had absolutely no idea what to say about himself. So he called Jay-Z, a...
- Xbox Gives Halo To Activision The Way Parents Hand A Child To An Airline
Microsoft is reportedly moving the Halo franchise under Activision Blizzard as part of a wider Xbox reorganization, according to gaming insider NateTheHate. Activision, best known for its custody...
- Ari Emanuel's Intern Looked At A Spiral-Bound Map And Asked If It Was A Vinyl
In a wide-ranging interview about his career, his enemies, and the commission that was stolen from him in 1987 by someone he will not name but whose initials are apparently two letters long, WME...
- William Shatner Covering Metallica Is the Most Metal Thing Metallica Has Done in 20 Years
William Shatner, age 95, made his heavy metal debut in Chicago last week with a live performance that included a full Metallica cover, performed in the voice of a man who has never once considered...
- Macklemore Removed From Tour For Making People Feel Things Ed Sheeran Had Not Scheduled
Following a week of statements, counter-statements, and at least one open letter that used the word 'journey' four times, Ed Sheeran's Loop tour arrived in Philadelphia with Macklemore...
- Ed Sheeran Reportedly Passionate About Causes That Are Allowed
A new sketch from SNL UK portrays Ed Sheeran as a tireless advocate for safe, pre-approved, professionally laundered positions on the issues of our time. The bit features Sheeran delivering a...
- CNN, MSNBC and Politico Sue For Access To Room They Will Immediately Be Screamed At In
Three of America's largest news organizations filed a First Amendment lawsuit this week against the federal government after President Trump banned them from White House press events, calling it...
- Spain's Ministry of Digital Transformation Goes Full Shark Tank at San Sebastián
The Spanish government's venture capital fund SETT has chosen a film festival on the Basque coast as the venue to announce it is now, technically, in the startup business. SETT director general...
- Ed Sheeran Breaks Silence on War By Explaining How Hard Silence Has Been for Ed Sheeran
Pop's most feelings-forward ginger has finally spoken, and the feelings in question are primarily his own. At his first tour date amid mounting pressure from both pro-Palestinian and pro-Israeli...
- Gnarls Barkley Breaks 18-Year Silence To Announce A Different More Final Silence
Cee Lo Green and Danger Mouse have ended their 18-year absence from touring to announce nine dates, a new album, and the formal termination of the entire project. The tour is called 'To Whom It...
- Green Day Signed One Major Label Deal and Lost Their Punk Library Card
In 1993, the legendary 924 Gilman Street punk club in Berkeley quietly added Green Day to a list that, to be fair, has never been described as the Billboard Hot 100. The band had committed the...
- Dropkick Murphys Frontman Reviews Ed Sheeran's Courage and Finds It Insufficient
Ken Casey, the frontman of Dropkick Murphys and a man whose entire professional life is built around being loud in stadiums, has formally declared Ed Sheeran a moral disappointment for appearing...
- Man Who Dangled From a Plane Could Not Follow Football Without Taylor Swift's Help
Tom Cruise appeared on The Tonight Show this week to promote his new film Digger and instead spent six minutes explaining that Taylor Swift had to teach him what a first down was at a Kansas City...
- Man Who Outran Missiles On A Motorcycle Cannot Follow A First Down
Tom Cruise, who has dangled from a moving plane, driven motorcycles off cliffs, and held his breath underwater for a medically inadvisable duration, confirmed Monday that Taylor Swift had to...
- Olivia Rodrigo Sings Sheryl Crow Her Own Song Back Like Returning a Library Book With Glitter On It
At the BMI Troubadour ceremony in Nashville on Tuesday night, Olivia Rodrigo made a surprise appearance to honor Sheryl Crow by performing Crow's 1994 song 'Strong Enough' directly at Sheryl Crow,...
- Colbert Praises The Party As CBS Calls Him A Cab
At Monday night's Emmy Awards, Stephen Colbert took the stage to assure a room full of television professionals that late night comedy is, quote, just as funny and just as vital as it ever has...
- Your Tax Refund Is Currently Exploding Over Gaza
The United States government has announced what it is calling a sale of more than 40,000 bombs to Israel, financed entirely by $2.8 billion in American taxpayer aid, a transaction so circular that...
- Macklemore Sends Robert Kraft a $1 Million Charity Invoice for the Cancellation Fee
After Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly orchestrated a pressure campaign that forced Macklemore off Ed Sheeran's upcoming tour, the rapper announced a $1 million donation to Palestinian...
- Colbert Wins Two Emmys and Still Can't Say No to Jimmy Kimmel With a Razor
Stephen Colbert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday night to discuss his two Emmy wins, his upcoming Lord of the Rings screenplay, and, apparently, the structural integrity of his own face. What...
- Aki Kaurismäki Says A Squirrel Film Beats 2001 Because Space Lacks Humanism
Markus Lehmusruusu's futuristic drama 'The Squirrel' has been selected as Finland's official Oscar submission, and it arrives with an endorsement from Aki Kaurismäki, the country's most celebrated...
- Reality TV Producer Sees Pending Felony Charges, Offers Two-Season Deal
Taylor Frankie Paul, who is currently navigating an active legal battle that includes charges serious enough to require an actual attorney, has been confirmed as returning to Hulu's 'The Secret...
- Music Critic Invokes Beatles Comparison, Refuses To Name The Committee That Approves These
A major new documentary about Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders has received a rapturous review, with one critic declaring that the 1979 ballad 'Kid' is 'worthy of the Beatles,' a designation that...
- Zverev Wins Grand Slam Number Two, Complicating The Inspirational Montage Situation Considerably
Alexander Zverev defeated Ben Shelton on Sunday to claim his second Grand Slam title, completing the kind of triumphant comeback arc that sports television exists to celebrate. There is, however,...