Politics
Trump Posts Tom Cotton's Phone Number To Settle An Argument About Clocks
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States Senate has, for the better part of three sessions, been unable to reach agreement on whether Americans should stop adjusting their clocks twice a year. President Donald Trump has identified the problem, and the problem is that Tom Cotton has not yet been called enough times by enough strangers.
On Tuesday, Trump posted Cotton's phone number to Truth Social and encouraged supporters to contact the senator directly about the Sunshine Protection Act, a bill that would make Daylight Saving Time permanent and eliminate the November clock rollback that the country has been performing, mostly without understanding why, since 1966.
Cotton, Republican of Arkansas, member of the Senate Armed Services Committee, and man who has spent considerable time cultivating an image as someone you do not want to disagree with, responded to the pressure campaign with a warning: if America locks the clocks at Daylight Saving Time, winter mornings in most of the country will be dark until eight o'clock or later.
This is correct. It is also the entirety of the counter-argument, which means the Senate's position on reforming timekeeping is currently "the mornings would be very dark," versus the President's position, which is "here is a phone number."
"We need to protect our farmers, our children walking to school, and the basic integrity of the morning," Cotton said in a statement, which his office issued after an unspecified number of Trump supporters called to explain sunshine to him. "Permanent Standard Time is the answer." Cotton did not address whether permanent Standard Time would be any less dark at eight in the morning, because it would not be.
Trump, who endorsed permanent Daylight Saving Time in a Truth Social post that also included Cotton's office number and the instruction to "call him and let him know how you feel," described the Sunshine Protection Act as "very popular" and Cotton's opposition as a problem that could be solved through volume.
The bill has actually passed the Senate once before, unanimously, in 2022, under the working theory that no senator wanted to be recorded opposing sunshine. It then stalled in the House, where members had time to consider the January mornings in Iowa, and has not moved since.
Cotton is now the bill's most prominent obstacle, a distinction he shares with the basic geometry of the Earth's tilt, which has not yet received a phone number from the President but the session is young.
In a brief interview outside the Capitol, Senator Marco Rubio, who originally sponsored the Sunshine Protection Act and has been introducing it in various forms since 2018, said the country was "so close" to finally resolving this. He then walked into a building.
A spokesperson for Cotton confirmed the senator's office had received a high volume of calls and emails since Tuesday, and that the senator's position remained unchanged. The spokesperson did not confirm whether Cotton had personally answered any of the calls, which would have required him to speak to people who had just been given his number by the President as an instrument of clock policy.
American clocks will change again in November.
The mornings will be dark regardless.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/politics/battle-over-daylight-saving-time-erupts-push-stop-changing-clocks-hits-senate-wall