Absurdity
Two Beers In, Atlanta Man Releases Full Emotional Inventory On Friends
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
ATLANTA, GA. A local man identified as Derek Paulson, 34, of the Cabbagetown neighborhood, has once again failed to keep his personal demons on his own property, sources confirmed Friday evening following a casual get-together that began as a birthday thing for someone named Travis and ended as a guided tour of Derek's unresolved grief.
The incident represents the fourteenth consecutive social gathering at which Paulson has broken the unofficial covenant of male friendship, which legal scholars describe informally as "keep it light, keep it moving, and for the love of God do not mention your mom until at least the fourth hour."
Paulson reportedly cracked open his second Modelo at approximately 8:47 PM, paused, looked at the middle distance, and said, "honestly though, can I ask you guys something."
No one said yes. He continued anyway.
Over the following ninety minutes, Paulson is said to have covered his fear of becoming his father, a recurring dream involving a hallway, the specific way his ex-girlfriend used to sigh, and what he called "the whole thing with the promotion" in a tone that suggested the whole thing with the promotion had layers.
Witnesses report that the emotional disclosure was not requested, not scheduled, and paired with a beer that, in the words of attendee Marcus Webb, "was genuinely still cold when he started crying."
"I had chips in my hand," Webb told reporters. "I was literally mid-chip. And then Derek goes quiet and I knew. I knew we were not getting back to the game."
Paulson's friends describe themselves as broadly supportive of his emotional wellbeing in the abstract. It is the timing and the volume they take issue with.
"Derek is a good dude," said longtime friend Carrie Soltis, who has known Paulson since college and has now heard the story about his father not showing up to the eighth-grade science fair six times, each time with additional details that somehow make it worse. "But he has to understand that two Modelos is not a therapist's office. It is a porch. There are citronella candles."
Paulson, for his part, says he does not have a problem. He says he simply processes things verbally and that his friends are his support system. He said this while finishing a third beer and making deliberate eye contact with Travis, whose birthday it technically still was.
Mental health professionals contacted for comment declined to weigh in on Paulson specifically but offered the general observation that "the social lubricant function of alcohol is well-documented, as is the phenomenon of low-tolerance individuals mistaking a neighborhood barbecue for a trauma retreat."
A representative for Modelo issued a statement saying the brand is "committed to moments of connection" and that the company does not accept responsibility for what Derek does with those moments.
Paulson did not respond to a request for comment, as he was reportedly still talking.
Travis got a cake. No one ate it.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/total-lightweight-not-keeping-personal-demons-to-himself/