Politics
White House Introduces New Threat Level Called Perhaps a Terrorist
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump announced Monday that the pilot who stabbed a colleague in the cockpit of a FlyDubai aircraft en route to Israel was, in his assessment, 'perhaps a terrorist,' marking the first time in recorded history that a stabbing at 38,000 feet has been met with a shrug dressed up as a briefing.
The FlyDubai incident, in which a crew member attacked a fellow pilot during an active flight, prompted Trump to place a call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who sources say was informed that the attack had happened and that Trump had thoughts about it.
'He's perhaps a terrorist,' Trump said, deploying the same level of commitment he brings to restaurant recommendations. 'Could be. I think so. A lot of people are saying.'
The phrase 'perhaps a terrorist' is understood to represent a new intermediate category in American threat assessment, slotting neatly between 'we are monitoring the situation' and 'I've already moved on to something else.' Homeland Security officials did not confirm the new designation but also did not rule it out, which is roughly the same energy.
Former intelligence analysts noted that the word 'perhaps' is doing extraordinary structural work in the sentence. One retired officer, who asked not to be named because he still has a mortgage, said the traditional threshold for a terrorism determination involves evidence, motive, and organizational links. 'Perhaps' traditionally signals that none of those are present but that a person in authority has a feeling.
Netanyahu, for his part, received the call, acknowledged the stabbing, and is reported to have thanked the President for reaching out. He did not publicly dispute the 'perhaps,' which Trump's team is treating as confirmation.
Conservative media praised the President's willingness to call a cockpit stabbing 'perhaps terrorism' when previous administrations might have waited for facts, which they argued was exactly the kind of weakness that allowed perhaps-terrorists to thrive.
Progressive critics pointed out that the 'perhaps' represented an uncharacteristic moment of restraint from a president who once described a hurricane as 'tremendously wet,' and asked whether the hedging indicated the pilot might be someone Trump had a deal with.
The pilot is currently in custody. His motivations are under investigation. Trump has not ruled out a follow-up call to Netanyahu once those motivations become clearer, or once something else happens, whichever comes first.
A spokesperson for FlyDubai said the airline was cooperating fully with authorities and asked passengers to remember that this was an isolated incident. Trump, asked if it was isolated, said it was 'perhaps isolated.'
The story we are making fun of: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2026-09-30/trump-says-flydubai-pilot-in-incident-was-perhaps-a-terrorist