Culture
William Shatner Covering Metallica Is the Most Metal Thing Metallica Has Done in 20 Years
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
William Shatner, the 95-year-old actor, cultural monument, and apparent force of nature, made his official heavy metal debut last week at a Chicago venue, covering Metallica with the energy of a man who has never once been told the word "no" and sees no reason to start hearing it now.
The performance, which included a spoken-word-meets-shrieking-into-the-void interpretation of Metallica's catalogue, was received with the kind of standing ovation that happens when an audience realizes they are watching something that should not exist and yet is somehow more alive than anything that has existed in the genre for quite some time.
Metallica, founded in 1981 with the express purpose of frightening suburban parents, could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly busy finalizing the tracklist for their 47th deluxe anniversary reissue of "Master of Puppets," now available in a collector's box set with a branded wool blanket and a lavender-scented candle called "Enter Sandman."
Shatner took the stage in what witnesses described as a full commitment to the aesthetic, which is to say he appeared to be having the time of his life in a way that Metallica has not visibly had since approximately 2003, when they released a documentary about their feelings and charged people forty dollars to see it.
"I have always believed," Shatner told a reporter backstage, "that rock and roll is not about age. It is about volume. It is about presence. It is about standing in front of people and refusing, categorically, to be ignored." He then paused for what sources describe as a very long time, for effect, and added: "Also, James Hetfield and I have the same chiropractor."
The Chicago crowd, which included a reported contingent of actual metalheads who arrived prepared to be contemptuous and left with complicated feelings, confirmed that the performance was, in the technical vocabulary of the genre, "completely unhinged," which is the highest possible compliment and has not been applied sincerely to a Metallica-adjacent event since Lars Ulrich tried to personally sue the internet.
Cultural critics have begun the anxious, necessary work of processing what it means that a 95-year-old man doing a single Chicago metal show has generated more genuine conversation about the soul of heavy metal than anything the genre's official representatives have produced in a decade spent releasing stadium tours with sponsored hydration stations and premium parking upgrades.
One audience member, Derek Fosse, 34, a self-described lifelong Metallica devotee who owns three copies of the Black Album for reasons he has not fully examined, stood outside the venue afterward and stared at his phone for several minutes before saying, "I don't know what I expected. I don't know what I got. I just know I feel like I owe someone an apology."
Shatner, who has also been to space, recorded a spoken-word album, hosted game shows, sued a television network, and apparently decided that none of that was enough, did not indicate whether a full metal tour is planned.
Given the current state of heavy metal, the genre should probably not wait by the phone. He will call when he is ready.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.vice.com/en/article/legendary-actor-becomes-a-rock-star-at-95-years-old-with-heavy-metal-show/