Conspiracy
Zelenskyy Advised To Aim War More Carefully So Americans Can Drive To Applebee's
By Tah Foil, . BSN Network. Satire.
DUBLIN, IRELAND -- During a visit to Ireland on Friday, President Donald Trump called on Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to immediately stop attacking Russian oil refineries, explaining that the strikes were pushing up diesel prices in the United States and that this was, in the president's assessment, the more pressing of the two ongoing problems.
"Mr. Zelenskyy has to do one thing: He has to stop knocking out diesel fuel in Russia," Trump told reporters. "Let him go after targets, but not diesel fuel." The statement represents what foreign policy historians are calling the first formal request by an American president to ask an ally to lose a war more fuel-efficiently.
Trump delivered the remarks from Ireland, which runs on diesel the way Washington runs on talking about diesel, making it, logistically, an ideal location to raise the concern.
The underlying facts are not in dispute. Ukrainian drone and missile strikes on Russian refinery infrastructure have repeatedly disrupted output at facilities that supply fuel into global markets. Analysts at multiple energy firms have noted the correlation with price movements at the pump. What is disputed, among people who study things like wars, is whether the correct response is to ask the country being invaded to please stop inconveniencing the aggressor's petroleum sector.
Exxon CEO Darren Woods called the president's comments "a meaningful contribution to the energy security conversation," which is the sentence a man produces when he has been trained, over thirty years, to never say what he actually thinks in a room with a microphone in it.
Zelenskyy has not publicly responded to the request, possibly because his communications team is still trying to determine the correct diplomatic phrasing for "are you serious right now."
Sources within the Ukrainian government, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Kyiv had been expecting American guidance on how to prosecute its defense more effectively. The guidance, when it arrived, concerned nozzle prices at Flying J locations along I-95.
The White House has not released a formal list of approved Ukrainian strike targets, though aides indicated it was being compiled and would "reflect a balance of military effectiveness and pump-price sensitivity," a phrase that was apparently said out loud by a person employed to think about these things.
Americans who drive diesel vehicles have responded with measured appreciation. Gary Frohlich, 58, of Allentown, Pennsylvania, who operates a landscaping company and fills a Ford F-250 twice a week, said he was glad someone was finally treating diesel prices as a national security issue. He added that he had not previously been following the war closely but now felt he had a "personal stake" in it, which he defined as sixty-two cents a gallon.
Frohlich said he also thought Zelenskyy should probably stop attacking the refineries, and when asked what Ukraine should attack instead, said, "I don't know, something else," and walked back to his truck.
Economists note that American diesel prices are set by global crude markets, refining capacity, distribution costs, seasonal demand, and approximately fourteen other variables that have nothing to do with a single Ukrainian drone. They note this carefully, in published papers, where it will not cause any trouble.
Trump has not commented on the economists.
As of press time, Russian refineries were still on fire, diesel was $3.89 at the Pilot on Route 30, and Zelenskyy had not adjusted his targeting priorities, perhaps because nobody has yet explained to him which Applebee's specifically is at stake.
The story we are making fun of: https://politifact.com/article/2026/sep/15/diesel-oil-russia-ukraine-prices/