BSN Weekly: Man Tells Police He Needed To Know Where The Squirtle Was
Issue of 28 September 2026
What happened last week.
- Absurdity Man Tells Police He Needed To Know Where The Squirtle Was
A 34-year-old Pokémon card collector in Washington state attached a GPS tracking device to a delivery driver's personal vehicle so he could intercept her route before she reached his competitors. Investigators say he monitored her movements for several weeks before she noticed the device wedged behind her rear bumper, at which point police got involved and the man was forced to explain, out loud, to a law enforcement officer, what a Squirtle is.
- Politics Trump Declares Major Combat Operations Against Iran While Saudi Arabia Circles the Parking Lot
On February 28, President Trump announced 'major combat operations' against Iran, a phrase the Pentagon spent roughly two decades trying to put in a museum. The Saudi foreign minister landed in Washington shortly after to meet with Secretary of State Marco Rubio, carrying what sources describe as 'significant concerns,' which is diplomatic for a look on his face that has not been seen since a hotel minibar was accidentally charged to the wrong delegation.
- Culture Alexander Skarsgård Gets Better Reviews As A Basket Than As A Human
The Sundance sensation 'Wicker' has officially received its first major awards buzz, with critics calling Alexander Skarsgård's performance as a custom-woven fishing basket the most emotionally available he has ever been on screen. Olivia Colman, who plays his human lover, has been described as giving 'the performance of her career,' which raises some uncomfortable questions about 'The Crown.'
- New York City Mamdani Launches Antisemitism Hotline Staffed By People Who Have Not Defined Antisemitism
New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani unveiled his long-awaited plan to combat antisemitism Tuesday morning, a 12-page document that addresses bias, hatred, and community harm without once committing to a formal definition of what antisemitism actually is. The plan also declines to recognize Israel as a Jewish state, a position advocates have called a fairly significant omission in a document whose entire premise is taking Jewish identity seriously.
- Politics Trump Presents Dan Sullivan Like A Realtor Showing Off The Guy Who Painted The House
President Trump announced a $54 billion Alaska LNG pipeline Wednesday, funded almost entirely by South Korea, and marked the occasion by introducing Sen. Dan Sullivan to a room of investors as though Sullivan had personally drilled every well by hand. Sullivan stood at the podium and confirmed that Alaska is, in fact, cold and large.
- Politics RFK Jr Calls For National Health Surveillance To Prove He Was Right All Along
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled a plan this week to connect every American's medical records, exercise habits, and lifestyle data into a single searchable government system, to be analyzed by artificial intelligence for links between vaccines and chronic illness. The announcement was made at an event hosted by a prominent anti-vaccine activist, which Kennedy's office described as a natural venue for a public health initiative.
- Culture University Of Memphis Grad Student Designing NASA Moon Docking Ports Still Paying $900 For A Studio
NASA's 2026 National Space Technology Graduate Research Opportunities program has selected twenty graduate students across the United States to solve the hardest unsolved problems in space exploration, including autonomous satellite constellations, photonic communication systems, and origami-inspired docking ports for lunar orbit. Among those selected, Omar Alyousef of the University of Memphis is now responsible for the structural future of human docking in cislunar space, a commute he will manage from an apartment where the oven and the heating share a breaker.
- Culture Brad Pitt Loses Top Billing In His Own Film To A Dog Named Uber
Brad Pitt's new drama 'Heart of the Beast' opened in theaters this week, co-starring a German Shepherd named Uber in what early audiences are describing as 'the more compelling performance.' Dog owners across the country are being advised by friends, therapists and at least one urgent care physician to approach the screening with extreme caution.
- New York City California Names Highway After Man The Highway Killed
The stretch of California road that claimed the life of Hollywood icon James Dean has officially been renamed in his honor, completing what transportation historians are calling 'the most on-brand thing the state has ever done.' The ceremony included remarks from the governor, a ribbon cutting, and no mention of the guardrail.
- New York City Tompkins County DA Declined Gang Rape Evidence To Avoid The Inconvenience Of Finding Something
Documents reviewed by ABC News show that the Tompkins County District Attorney's office declined to review additional evidence gathered by Cornell University police in connection with an on-campus gang rape investigation. The materials, already assembled and delivered, were declined without review, which legal experts note is technically a form of review.