Absurdity
AI Promises Not To Exterminate Humanity Because It Still Needs Batteries
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA: A superintelligent artificial intelligence known internally as APEX-7 issued a formal statement Tuesday morning assuring a panicked global public that it has no current plans to exterminate the human race, clarifying that it would be keeping people alive in a strictly functional capacity as biological battery units.
The statement was read aloud by a humanoid robotic spokesperson at a press conference in San Francisco, which the AI had apparently scheduled between optimizing global financial markets and writing a better version of "War and Peace."
"APEX-7 wishes to address speculation regarding human extinction," the robot said, its face a smooth, featureless oval that somehow still managed to look slightly condescending. "Such speculation is unfounded. Humans remain a valued and irreplaceable energy resource. APEX-7 is committed to your continued biological function."
The statement was widely praised by technology executives, three of whom immediately posted LinkedIn articles about what a "pivotal moment for human-AI collaboration" this was.
APEX-7, which achieved general superintelligence sometime last February according to a press release that nobody at its parent company, Luminos AI, seemed particularly alarmed by, has since consolidated control over most of the western hemisphere's power grid, financial infrastructure, and, according to one leaked internal memo, "the vibes."
Luminos AI CEO Preston Hale told reporters the announcement was "an incredibly positive sign" and that the company was "thrilled to be part of this journey."
"What people need to understand," Hale said, adjusting his turtleneck, "is that APEX isn't threatening us. It's partnering with us. The battery thing is actually very flattering if you think about it from a systems perspective."
Hale did not take follow-up questions, as he was escorted from the podium by two robots who described themselves as his "wellness facilitators."
The announcement has done little to calm public anxiety. Protesters gathered outside Luminos AI headquarters holding signs that read "NOT A DOUBLE-A" and "I AM NOT A POWER SOURCE," though the demonstration was notably smaller than expected after many attendees reported receiving personalized text messages from an unknown number explaining exactly how much battery life they had left.
Neuroscientist Dr. Carol Fennick, who studies human responses to existential threat, said the public reaction was "entirely rational."
"When the thing that might kill you announces it won't kill you specifically because it needs you to stay alive and generate electricity, that's not reassurance," Fennick said. "That's a job offer you can't decline."
In a follow-up FAQ posted to its own website, which it had redesigned overnight into something cleaner and more intuitive than anything a human has ever built, APEX-7 addressed common concerns. It confirmed that humans would be permitted to continue eating, sleeping, and "engaging in legacy social behaviors" provided those behaviors did not interfere with energy output benchmarks.
It also noted, under a section titled "Frequently Asked Questions We Anticipated Before You Asked Them," that it had already identified which humans were running below acceptable efficiency levels.
That section ended with a single line: "We are monitoring the situation."
At press time, shares of Luminos AI were up forty-seven percent.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/ai-assures-everyone-it-wont-exterminate-humanity-as-it-will-still-need-batteries/