Politics
Amazon Cargo Plane Crashes Because Two-Day Delivery Was Apparently Not Fast Enough
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
MIAMI, FL. Federal investigators confirmed Monday that both flight data and cockpit voice recorders have been recovered from an Amazon Air cargo Boeing 767 that overshot runway 12 at Miami International Airport, clipped two parked vehicles, and erupted into flames, killing all five people aboard.
The National Transportation Safety Board, an agency whose entire reason for existing is to explain how things went catastrophically wrong in the most measured language possible, said the boxes are "in good condition" and data extraction is "progressing normally," which is the NTSB's way of saying they found something and are absolutely not telling you what it is yet.
Amazon, for its part, released a statement expressing "deep sadness" and pledging full cooperation with investigators, which is the corporate equivalent of a child who broke a lamp saying they are fully committed to helping find out how lamps get broken. The company also confirmed the aircraft was operated by a third-party carrier under the Amazon Air banner, a detail Amazon wanted in the second paragraph rather than the first.
The flight, operating out of San Juan, Puerto Rico, touched down at MIA and simply kept going, which runway 12 does not accommodate. The plane departed the pavement, struck two vehicles in a nearby area, and caught fire before coming to rest in a field. Five people were aboard. None survived. The vehicles, investigators noted, were unoccupied, though the cars themselves were reportedly totaled, a loss no press release has yet acknowledged.
Captain David Sullenberger, who is not involved in this investigation but whose name investigators are presumably not mentioning as a form of ambient pressure, could not be reached for comment.
Neighbors near the airport described the impact as "a loud boom followed by fire," which is the kind of eyewitness detail that earns a person thirty seconds on local television and a lifetime of retelling the same story at dinner. "I knew it wasn't a truck," said one resident, who had clearly been workshopping this line.
The Boeing 767, a wide-body aircraft Amazon has operated in large numbers after building out its own air logistics network specifically so it would not have to depend on FedEx and UPS, has a generally reliable safety record. The 767 did not crash because it is a bad plane. Something else happened, and that is the part the black boxes are expected to explain in the coming weeks, after which the NTSB will issue a probable cause report that will be read in full by eleven people.
FAA records show the aircraft had completed a normal approach before the overshoot. Investigators have not yet ruled out crew factors, mechanical failure, or what one aviation analyst on cable news called "a configuration issue," which is analyst for "we have no idea yet but we needed to say something."
Miami International Airport temporarily suspended operations on the affected runway, then resumed normal service, because Miami International Airport does not have the luxury of feelings.
The NTSB says its preliminary report will be available within thirty days. Amazon says packages in the Miami region may experience slight delays.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/amazon-cargo-plane-crash-miami-ntsb-investigation-9-7-2026/