Politics
Politics dispatches from BSN Network. Satirical news, published daily.
- Venezuela Gets a New Deal, María Corina Machado Gets a Press Release
The Trump administration is quietly advancing a political transition plan for Venezuela that sidelines María Corina Machado, the opposition leader who spent years being arrested, exiled, and...
- Friedrich Merz Gets Character References From His Own Government To Prove He Runs It
German Chancellor Friedrich Merz has secured the formal backing of sixteen state premiers, a move his office described as a show of strength and everyone else described as a man collecting written...
- Italy Decides The Best Time To Redesign The Ballot Is When You Hold The Pen
Italy's Senate passed Premier Giorgia Meloni's electoral reform bill this week, handing her coalition what political analysts are calling a major victory, and what everyone else is calling a rough...
- Brazil Supreme Court Cancels Meeting About Whether To Investigate Brazil Supreme Court
Brazil's Supreme Court postponed a vote Tuesday on whether to open a formal investigation into one of its own sitting justices, Alexandre de Moraes, after an open hearing in which the justices...
- Trump's Best Midterm Stump Speech Turns Out To Be For Democrats
At a rally intended to boost Republican turnout, Donald Trump asked the crowd to pretend he was on the ballot, a request Democrats are now calling the most effective thing he has ever said on...
- Tom Llamas Reports Live From New York That New York Is Still There
Twenty-five years after September 11, NBC Nightly News dispatched anchor Tom Llamas to lower Manhattan to confirm, on camera, that the attack had taken place and that the city had feelings about...
- ABC News Live Has Been Breaking The Same Story For Eleven Hours
At approximately 7:14 AM Eastern, something happened, and ABC News Live has been treating it as an active emergency ever since. Anchors have described the situation as "fluid," "developing," and...
- Stockholm Suburb Asks Drug Gang To Register As Community Stakeholders Before Election
In Hässelby Gård, a Stockholm suburb where gang members have openly sold narcotics in the town square for years, political analysts say the local drug trade has become the decisive election issue,...
- Houthi Drones Costing Less Than A Tesla Keep Moving Oil Prices More Than OPEC Can
A Saudi pipeline is offline after a drone strike traced back to Iran-backed Houthi rebels, sending energy markets into their second spiral this month and prompting the kind of emergency...
- Affordable Care Act Announces It Is No Longer Participating In Being Affordable
Americans enrolled in the Affordable Care Act, employer plans, and Medicare will face significant premium increases in 2026, with some households absorbing hundreds of dollars in new monthly...
- Two Arsonists Hold Press Conference Urging Everyone To Be Careful With Fire
Sam Altman and Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei publicly agreed this week that the global race to build increasingly powerful AI must be slowed, in a warning described by industry observers as both...
- US Foreign Policy So Bad Russia and Iran Are Leaving the Party Together
At a weekend summit in New Delhi, leaders from Russia, Iran, and a rotating cast of countries the United States has sanctioned, bombed, or invoiced in the last calendar year gathered to sign a...
- Labour Plans Law To Stop Rich People Funding Politics With Crypto But Not Other Money
The UK government announced plans this week to close a loophole allowing cryptocurrency donations to political parties, after Reform UK received record-breaking contributions from two crypto...
- Millennials Quietly Purchasing Minivans After Years Of Calling Their Parents Embarrassing
A generation that spent its formative years crouched in the third row of a Dodge Grand Caravan, swearing it would never come to this, has begun purchasing minivans at a rate that analysts are...
- New York Memorial Quietly Places Fresh Flowers On Dead People's Birthdays All Year
Every year, on the birthday of each of the nearly 3,000 people killed in the September 11 attacks, a single white rose appears in the cut-out beside their name on the 9/11 Memorial in New York....
- Congressman Named Bacon Announces He Would Love To Be President
Rep. Don Bacon (R-Neb.) confirmed this week that he is seriously considering a 2028 presidential run, describing the prospect of leading the free world as something he would, quote, love. Bacon,...
- DeSantis Offers Florida Asylum To Juror Who Voted To Acquit A Woman Who Strangled Her Kids
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced Friday that the state of Florida stands ready to offer sanctuary to the lone holdout juror in the Lindsay Clancy murder trial, a man currently subject to an...
- North Korea Fires Missiles To Protest Exercise About North Korea Firing Missiles
One day after the United States, South Korea, and Japan wrapped up a trilateral military drill designed to practice responding to North Korean missile launches, North Korea launched missiles....
- Fighter Pilot Who Scrambled On 9/11 Now Runs The Entire Military And Has Some Thoughts
Gen. Dan Caine, now chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, sat down this week to reflect on being a young fighter pilot mobilized on September 11, 2001, and confirmed, after careful consideration,...
- Amazon Delivery Plane Crashes and Still Arrives Faster Than Your Last Order
An Amazon cargo plane overran the runway near Miami International Airport Monday, killing at least five people and scattering packages across a wide area south of the terminal. Investigators have...
- ECB Chief Shows Up To Campaign Rally And Wonders Why Everyone Thinks She Is Quitting
Christine Lagarde attended a French presidential campaign rally in Normandy on Saturday, sparking immediate speculation that she plans to leave the European Central Bank before her term ends. The...
- Trump Flies To Ireland To Watch Golf At A Course He Already Owns
President Trump touched down in Ireland Tuesday for what the White House described as a diplomatic visit, featuring talks with Taoiseach Micheál Martin and a scheduled appearance at the Irish...
- Woman Converts To Christianity After Coworker Reads Romans 8:38 Out Loud At Desk
Haley Furst had spent years building a carefully curated identity as a transgender atheist communist before a single Bible verse recited near the break room apparently undid all of it. According...
- DA Who Never Does Plea Deals Suddenly Very Interested In Doing A Plea Deal
The Plymouth County District Attorney's office, long celebrated for its principled refusal to negotiate with defendants, is reportedly reconsidering that principle now that things have gotten...
- China Appoints Acting Mayor of Shanghai Who Has Never Been to Shanghai
Beijing has named former Vice Finance Minister Liu Xin as acting mayor of Shanghai, a city he reportedly described in his confirmation briefing as "the one with the big tower." Sources inside the...
- CDC Declares Parasite That Infected 13,000 Americans Officially Someone Else's Problem Now
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced this week that the cyclospora outbreak is officially over, a declaration that arrives after 13,000 infections, more than 500...
- Pennsylvania Lawmaker Demands Trump Rename Lake Erie to Lake Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania state Rep. David Maloney has formally urged President Trump to rename Lake Erie, a body of water that also borders Ohio, New York, Michigan, and Canada, after Pennsylvania alone....
- Trump Skips 9/11 Memorial To Visit Building He Personally Did Not Lose A Bet About
Four former presidents will gather at the World Trade Center memorial this Thursday to mark the 25th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, while President Trump will attend a separate ceremony...
- Trump Promises Canada Deal 'Fairly Soon' From Ireland For Some Reason
President Donald Trump assured reporters Wednesday that a trade deal with Canada was imminent, delivering the news from Ireland, a country that is not Canada and is not party to the dispute. White...
- Wendy's Brings Back Nine-Patty Burger That Was Previously Banned For Being A Burger
A Wendy's location in Tulsa, Oklahoma has quietly resurrected the T-Rex Burger, a nine-patty cheeseburger that the chain had retired on the grounds that no one involved in its creation could fully...
- India Refuses To Delete Russia From Its Phone Despite Everyone Asking
Decades into what diplomats are privately calling "the world's most complicated contact," India has once again declined to block Russia, unfollow the Kremlin, or move the relationship to spam....
- CBS Cameraman Who Filmed 9/11 Collapse Around Him Talks To Show That Airs At 7pm On Sundays
Mark LaGanga, the CBS News cameraman who kept rolling as the North Tower fell around him on September 11, 2001, has given his first major interview about the experience to 60 Minutes digital, a...
- 9/11 Trial Set For 2028 So Defendants Can Finish Their Retirement Plans
More than two decades after the September 11 attacks, the military tribunal case against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and three co-defendants has been assigned a start date of June 2028, meaning the...
- 9/11 Museum Opens Exhibit Explaining 9/11 To People Who Were Not Born Yet
The 9/11 Memorial and Museum has unveiled a new exhibition aimed at Americans young enough to associate the date primarily with a day off school, featuring firsthand accounts, military artifacts,...
- Accused Killer's Lawyer Writes Trump a Letter Asking Him to Handle It
Following a mistrial in the Lindsay Clancy case, defense attorney Kevin Reddington has unveiled his post-collapse legal strategy, and it involves a sitting president, a plea for psychiatric...
- University President Vows To Keep Hosting Events Where Speakers Get Shot At
Utah Valley University's new president revealed this week that his two daughters were standing yards from Charlie Kirk when a gunman opened fire, and his response was to announce the school would...
- Texas AG Ken Paxton Announces He Is Now Personally In Charge Of All The Eggs
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, a man who was impeached by his own party, nearly jailed, and spent years under federal investigation, has pivoted to a new role: egg distributor. More than 1.7...
- Husband Who Lost His Children Forced To Sue People Who Think He Did It
Patrick Clancy, whose wife Lindsay Clancy killed their three children in 2023, has had his grief interrupted by a growing online movement convinced he secretly orchestrated the whole thing. His...
- Murder Suspect's Family Launches Second Crowdfund After First $634K Somehow Ran Out
The family of Karmelo Anthony, charged with murder, has launched a new $250,000 fundraising campaign on GiveSendGo, months after a previous campaign collected $634,000 and generated widespread...
- House Democrats Announce Plan To Investigate Everything Trump Has Ever Touched
House Democrats have released a 47-point oversight agenda targeting the Trump family, Jeffrey Epstein connections, ICE operations, and, according to sources, "basically anything within a...