Politics
Americans Are Making a Few Million Monthly on a Simple Trade That Trump Will Say Something Stupid. Free Money.
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NEW YORK, NY. A growing number of ordinary Americans have quietly become millionaires this year on a single trade so reliable that several of them have stopped calling it gambling and started calling it a salary: betting that President Trump will say something stupid.
"I put a few thousand on it every Monday and by Thursday it has paid out," said a former warehouse manager in Ohio who now describes himself as a full-time investor. "Sometimes by Monday afternoon. Once it paid out while I was still placing the bet."
Prediction market regulars say the position has never lost. Analysts who once modelled inflation, interest rates and election turnout now spend their mornings watching the president's schedule, noting each press gaggle, rally and late-night post as what one trader called "a dividend date."
"Most trades carry risk," explained a hedge fund manager who moved half of his firm's assets into the position in August. "This one carries the opposite of risk. The only real danger is that the market eventually stops offering odds, and frankly they should have stopped in 2016."
Economists are divided on what the boom means for the wider economy. Some warn that a nation of people earning money on the president's remarks has little reason to hope he ever stops making them. Others point out that the trade has created more new wealth in the Midwest this year than any factory announced from a podium.
The White House rejected the premise. A spokesperson said the president "has never said anything stupid," a statement that, according to three separate prediction markets, settled several open contracts within the hour.
Asked whether the trade would last, the Ohio investor shrugged. "People keep asking me when the bubble bursts," he said. "I tell them to turn on the news."
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.