Sports
Andy Reid Gives Most Detailed Josh Simmons Update Yet, Which Is Seven Words
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid stepped to the podium Wednesday and delivered what reporters have now agreed to call, in the interest of professional courtesy, a "status update" on left tackle Josh Simmons.
The full text, reconstructed from four separate audio recordings, was: "He's working. We'll see. You know how it is."
He then adjusted his visor and asked if anyone had a question about the offense.
Simmons, who was selected in the first round of the 2024 NFL Draft to protect the blind side of the most valuable quarterback in professional football, has played in eight of the team's last twenty games. This means Patrick Mahomes's left side has been guarded, for the majority of the past two seasons, by a rotating cast of men the team found on shorter notice than most people book a dentist appointment.
Reid, asked to clarify whether Simmons was day-to-day or week-to-week, said he was "somewhere in that neighborhood," which is a geographic region that does not exist on any medical chart currently recognized by the state of Missouri.
"He's a great kid," Reid added. "Works hard. Loves football."
These are also the things Reid said about the backup long snapper in 2019, a man nobody has heard from since.
Sources close to the situation, meaning people who stand near the practice facility and watch cars arrive, indicate that Simmons has been seen walking under his own power, which the Chiefs media department has declined to confirm, deny, or contextualize in any way that would be useful to a paying fan.
The Chiefs, to their credit, have continued to win games while treating their starting left tackle position like a middle school science project that is definitely getting done, just not right now, they just need a few more days.
Mahomes, for his part, has said nothing about any of this publicly, because Mahomes is smart enough to understand that the man standing between him and a three-hundred-pound defensive end having an outstanding Tuesday is not a conversation he wants to have on camera.
When a reporter asked Reid if there was any timeline at all, Reid smiled the smile of a man who has outlasted four presidential administrations and said, "We're optimistic."
Optimistic. The official medical status of Josh Simmons is optimistic. The Chiefs have submitted to the league a depth chart containing a name and, next to it, the emotional state of his head coach.
Simmons himself has not spoken publicly on the matter, which, given the information his own team is providing, is arguably the most informative thing anyone connected to this situation has done.
Reid closed the press conference by complimenting the media room's lighting and leaving.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/outkick-sports/josh-simmons-return-timeline-unclear-chiefs