Sports
Two-Time All-Star Starts First Game In 12 Years, Retires Before The Postgame Shower
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
A two-time All-Star relief pitcher, 39, made his first Major League start in twelve seasons Sunday afternoon and announced his retirement from professional baseball shortly thereafter, completing what historians of the sport are already calling the most efficient career arc in the modern era.
He came. He started. He left.
The pitcher, who spent the better part of a decade as one of the most durable relievers in the game, had reportedly lobbied the organization for one opportunity as a starter before he hung it up. The organization, apparently moved by the sentiment or simply out of actual starting pitchers, obliged.
The start lasted long enough to constitute a start. What happened after that is between him, his agent, and whatever he is doing right now.
"He gave us everything he had out there," said manager Rick Donnelly, who delivered this with the specific expression of a man explaining a car accident to an insurance adjuster. "We respect his decision and we wish him nothing but the best going forward." He then turned and stared at the bullpen for an unusually long time.
The retirement announcement, issued through his representation approximately ninety minutes after he left the mound, thanked the fans, thanked the game, and thanked God in that order. It did not address the timing.
Sources inside the clubhouse described the atmosphere as "confusing" and "kind of like when someone at a party announces they're leaving and then you realize they were the one hosting." One teammate, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he found out from Twitter. He asked which Twitter. The regular one.
For context: twelve seasons in relief. Twelve. Seasons. The man faced batters in high-leverage situations with the bases loaded in October, in stadiums so loud you could not hear yourself panic, in front of crowds that would not have greeted him by name under any circumstances. He did that for twelve years without flinching.
One start and he is out.
This is either the most dignified retirement in baseball history or the most devastating self-report about what starting actually feels like. I am genuinely not sure which one and I have watched this sport for forty years.
The two-time All-Star designation matters here, by the way. We are not talking about a guy who crept through the league on the strength of a sinker and low expectations. This was a celebrated professional. A man with plaques. A man who received votes. He looked at all of that, looked at one start, and decided the math checked out.
Retirement, he said in the statement, "felt right."
Right. One start. Twelve seasons of being the guy who comes in when it is already on fire. One afternoon as the guy who starts the fire himself. Retirement felt right.
The bullpen, for its part, has already begun quietly redistributing his locker supplies.
He is 39. He has time.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.newsweek.com/sports/mlb/pirates-kirby-yates-retires-mlb-tigers-justin-verlander-12493374