Sports
Buccaneers Fail To Beat The Spread 12 Straight Times Which Experts Say Takes Real Effort
By Michael Yappaport, . BSN Network. Satire.
TAMPA, Fla. -- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have now failed to cover the spread in twelve consecutive games, a streak that gambling analysts describe as "statistically improbable," "almost artistic," and, in one case, "the kind of thing you would have to practice."
To be clear about what this means: the Buccaneers are not necessarily losing football games. Sometimes they win. They just cannot, under any circumstances, win by enough, or lose by little enough, or do anything at all in any direction that results in a person who bet on them having a good time. The line is always wrong. The effort is always precisely calibrated to disappoint. It is the most consistent thing about the organization.
Todd Bowles, the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, addressed the streak at a press conference this week with the specific brand of serene confidence that takes years of losing to cultivate.
"We're focused on winning football games," Bowles said. "That's the standard here. Winning football games. Every week we go out there and we compete, and we're going to continue to do that." He then stood at the podium for an additional four seconds, apparently waiting to see if that had answered it, and left.
Vegas has noticed. Multiple sportsbooks have quietly begun using the Buccaneers line as a training tool, offering new oddsmakers the chance to set the Tampa spread as a kind of hazing ritual, on the theory that whatever number they choose will be wrong and they should get comfortable with that feeling early.
One analyst, who asked not to be named because he still has to live in this industry, put it this way: "Twelve in a row is not a slump. Twelve in a row is a curriculum."
For context: covering the spread requires either winning by more than the line or losing by less. The Buccaneers have managed to do neither, across twelve consecutive weeks, against twelve different opponents, in what can only be described as a unified organizational vision.
Fans in Tampa are handling it the way Tampa fans handle most things, which is to say a significant portion of them were not watching in the first place and the rest have moved into a calm, meditative state that looks from the outside like not caring but is actually something much more expensive.
"I stopped betting them after week four," said one season ticket holder reached by phone. "Now I just watch to see what happens. It's actually more relaxing. Like watching someone else's luggage go around the carousel."
The Buccaneers have not commented specifically on the ATS streak, which makes sense, because acknowledging it would require the organization to explain what, exactly, they believe is happening, and there is no answer to that question that helps anyone.
They play again Sunday. The line is out. Somebody will take it.
That person has been warned.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/buccaneers-have-lost-an-unprecedented-12-consecutive-games-against-the-spread