Politics
Breitbart Rounds $90 Up To "Nearly $100" So The Math Feels More Like Healthcare
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: The Trump administration announced this week that 20 million Medicare recipients will receive $90 deposits into their bank accounts to help offset the cost of Part B premiums, which currently run $185.00 per month, meaning the deposit covers approximately 48 percent of one month of one part of American healthcare, with the remaining 52 percent left as an exercise for the senior.
Breitbart, reporting on the announcement, described the sum as "nearly $100," a characterization that is accurate in the same way that a 2001 Honda Civic is nearly a Tesla.
The White House has described the payment as historic relief. The average out-of-pocket Medicare cost for a senior with a chronic condition runs between $3,000 and $6,000 per year, a figure the administration did not include in the press release, presumably because it did not fit in the subject line.
"This is President Trump delivering for the forgotten Americans who built this country," said a senior White House official who asked not to be named because he was also in charge of drafting the subject line. "Ninety dollars is real money to real people."
It is, technically, real money. It is also, technically, enough to cover one month of a low-tier gym membership, two Uber rides to a doctor's appointment, or sixteen days of a branded insulin pen, which retails at $5.61 per unit at the price Trump's own executive orders have not yet successfully lowered.
Garry Hendricks, 74, of Dayton, Ohio, said he received a notification from his bank Thursday morning and initially thought someone had sent him birthday money.
"I thought it was my nephew," Hendricks said. "He usually sends a hundred."
Hendricks has a pacemaker, two knee replacements and a Medicare supplement plan that costs him $210 a month on top of Part B. He said the $90 would go toward his February co-pays, which total $340. He said this without irony, which is either admirable or the saddest thing reported this quarter.
The Breitbart headline, meanwhile, has attracted attention for the editorial decision to describe $90 as "nearly $100," a rounding convention that, if applied to the federal deficit, would describe it as nearly zero.
Reached for comment, a Breitbart spokesperson said the headline was accurate and that "nearly" is a recognized modifier in the English language. This is correct. "Nearly" is also how people describe their near-miss car accidents, their almost-finished novels, and the retirement savings they meant to start in their thirties.
The administration has indicated that the $90 payment is part of a broader effort to demonstrate that the Republican Party is serious about healthcare costs, a project that also includes not extending the Affordable Care Act subsidies set to expire next year, which would raise premiums for roughly 20 million people by an average of $700 annually.
Net benefit per senior: to be confirmed.
Hendricks said he appreciated the gesture. His next cardiology appointment is in March. The co-pay is $55, which means the federal government has now covered it, with $35 left over, which is almost enough for the parking.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.breitbart.com/health/2026/10/03/trump-sending-nearly-100-more-than-20-million-seniors-medicare-offset-healthcare-costs/