Politics
Brent Crude Hits $100 As Americans Discover Iran Has Oil In It
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Brent crude oil, the international benchmark for global energy markets, climbed past $100 per barrel on Wednesday as the ongoing U.S. military engagement in Iran entered what Pentagon spokespersons described as "a dynamic phase of consequential repositioning," which is the official government phrase for things going sideways in a region that contains a significant portion of the world's oil supply.
It is the first time prices have crossed the $100 threshold since 2022, a milestone that analysts, economists, and the guy who owns the Shell station on Route 9 in Poughkeepsie all greeted with the same expression.
"We're monitoring the situation closely," said Department of Energy spokesperson Tricia Holmberg, in a statement that has now been issued, word for word, during every energy crisis since 1973. Holmberg added that the administration "remains committed to price stability," which is a sentence that has never once preceded price stability.
Iran, for its part, sits on approximately 157 billion barrels of proven oil reserves, making it the fourth-largest reserve holder on the planet. This fact was available, for free, on Wikipedia, at any point before the decision to begin military operations was finalized. It remains available there now.
"Nobody could have anticipated this," said a senior administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity, because saying it out loud under your own name apparently requires a level of commitment that anonymous briefings do not.
On the ground in Tehran, the Iranian state oil company, NIOC, has reportedly suspended loading operations at the Kharg Island terminal, which handles approximately 90 percent of the country's crude exports. Traders described the news as "significant." Mortgage holders described it as "a problem." Owners of large SUVs described it as "honestly kind of a wake-up call but probably not enough of one."
Back in the United States, the reaction split cleanly along familiar lines. Gas station owners updated their signs. Commuters updated their grievances. Congress updated its schedule of hearings at which nothing will be concluded.
Dave Portillo of Scottsdale, Arizona, who drives 34 miles each way to work in a 2021 Ford Expedition, said he is "furious" about prices and also "fully supportive" of the military action, adding that he had not yet worked out the relationship between those two positions but was confident it would resolve itself.
On Wall Street, energy stocks surged. ExxonMobil gained 4.2 percent. Chevron climbed 3.8 percent. A Halliburton analyst upgraded the sector to "Strong Buy" in a note timed, almost admirably, to 6:02 a.m.
The International Energy Agency issued a statement urging member nations to release strategic petroleum reserves, which is the global economy's version of checking the couch cushions for change.
Meanwhile, the administration confirmed that the military operation in Iran is expected to last "weeks, not months," a timeline that military operations in the region have historically treated as a rough suggestion.
As of press time, Brent crude was trading at $101.40.
The Wikipedia article on Iranian oil reserves had received 847 new views since Monday.
The story we are making fun of: https://abcnews.com/Business/oil-prices-climb-100-barrel-us-war-iran/story?id=136296130