Culture
Broncos Plan To Replace Offensive Coordinator With Wristband And A Prayer
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
DENVER, CO. The Denver Broncos offense has managed, through four weeks of professional football, to make scoring a touchdown feel like an act of personal courage rather than a reasonable expectation, and team leadership has reportedly responded to this crisis the way all organizations respond to crises: by identifying the one person least responsible for the quarterback and threatening his livelihood.
Offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi is said to be on a "short leash" entering Week 5, a phrase that in NFL parlance means "we have already written the press release." The Broncos are 2-2, which is technically a respectable record, except that both wins came despite an offense that has the explosive potential of a community theater production of a football game.
Head coach Sean Payton, who arrived in Denver with a Super Bowl ring, a reputation for offensive genius, and what can only be described as a personality for television, has watched his team score fewer than 20 points in three of four outings. Payton addressed the situation Monday with the calm of a man who has already decided what happens next and is simply waiting for the calendar to cooperate.
"We need to be more explosive," Payton said, standing at the podium with the particular stillness of someone who has already googled his replacement options. "We need to be better in the red zone. We need to execute at a higher level. We need the ball to go forward and then eventually into the end zone, which is the large painted rectangle at the far end of the field. I've shown the guys film."
Bo Nix, the second-year quarterback drafted to justify the entire offensive vision, has completed passes at a reasonable rate to receivers who have then done their level best to make those completions feel sad. The Broncos rank in the bottom third of the league in scoring, which is a remarkable achievement given that Payton has spent the offseason assuring everyone that this was, in fact, his offense now.
The solution, per sources familiar with the team's thinking, is to hold Lombardi accountable for the output of a unit that Sean Payton calls his own, coordinates from the booth with his own headset, and has described in three separate press conferences as "exactly where we want it to be, philosophically." The philosophy, as expressed through the scoreboard, appears to be minimalism.
Lombardi, for his part, has not publicly responded to the leash characterization, which is the correct behavior for a man whose office is inside his boss's building.
The Broncos face the Los Angeles Chargers in Week 5 in what the organization is quietly treating as an audition, though it is not entirely clear whether the audition is for Lombardi to keep his job or for the offense to prove that it exists. Both questions remain open.
Denver's general manager George Paton watched all of this from the owner's suite and was reportedly satisfied with how the accountability was being distributed.
The wristband has not been formally approved.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.newsweek.com/sports/nfl/broncos-coach-reportedly-on-a-short-leash-amid-teams-2-2-start-12538516